The Official Ghetto Overlord Review of:
Bible Adventures

Version 1.3 can be downloaded from your church's local USB flash drive!

A long time ago, all of the Christian kids in the world were taught by God that "thou shalt not steal." This timeless dialogue ranks amongst one of the greatest lines ever written in fiction. Christian game company Wisdom Tree took 1991 by storm with that phrase when they bypassed Nintendo's "Seal of Approval" and hacked their magnum opus Bible Adventures onto Nintendo-compatible cartridges everywhere. Surprisingly, the faith whose deity created the world in seven days could not fuel Wisdom Tree's programmers with the power to code a video game to playable standards. If you buy one beyond-awful Nintendo game published in 1991 this year, make it Bible Adventures.

Bible Adventures recreates three of the most popular stories in the book of God, all of which suggest the real enemy of Christianity is sloppy control schemes, and you will fight it to the death in order to push your religious right-wing agenda across eight bits of hell. The engine was apparently lifted from Super Mario Brothers 2 (as is everything down to the cartridge itself), but then again, Super Mario Brothers 2 was just the English cut of the Japanese game Doki Doki Panic. If Nintendo tried to pull something underhanded like that today, you could be sure it would be about as well-received as this slab of shit.

Noah's Ark

Ever heard the term "godlike"? Despite the fact the controller gives you more control over Sudanese genocide than Noah, that's what his running and jumping abilities are like. The man can run the 100 meter dash in seven seconds while lifting several animals above his head at the same time. And he'll make this seem like cake compared to the fact he can do it while climbing trees. But you'll need it, as the two animals in each level that can actually hurt you and deal minimal damage will do everything they can to ignore you and let you complete the level!

The objective of the Noah's Ark mission pack is to round up two of every important animal (the European Liberal has been suspiciously left off this list) and get them to conjure up some sweet, sweet, animal love. Calling this the worst of the three games would be like trying to say which Fast and the Furious movie you disliked the most. The challenge level is "playing the Oakland Raiders" easy and will quickly help less experienced Christian gamers realize the difference between a good game, a shitty game, and Bible Adventures. Think it can't get any worse? Tally up six pairs of animals and you to go to a new level and do it all over again. Are you beginning to notice a trend in the inordinate amount of recycled levels that show up in bad games? First it was Big Bird's Hide and Speak, then Halo, now Bible Adventures. (Note: Blue Jay may or may not be an actual species that lived in the Middle East during the time of the the Old Testament.) Quitting after playing just one of the God-knows how many levels in Noah's Ark establishes me as an expert on this game and allows me to call it a pile of crap.

Baby Moses (starring baby Moses as a metaphor for the Halo 2 fanbase)

The most epic of the three games takes you on a quest down the Nile! Jochebed, the mother of the baby Moses, carries her son over her head as though he was a box of busted Atari 2600 games through eight levels which redefine the word "pain".

The thing that makes it overly frustrating is that in order to complete the level, baby Moses has to be hoisted in the military press position. Forget that the dash and throw button are linked in a way that you'll never know what's going to happen when you press the A button, forget that the Egyptians suck at stair building, the programmers had to write it this way. Name one mission in a game where you have to lead someone or something from point A to point B and didn't end up nominating it for induction into the Carlos Mencia Pantheon of Aggravation. Now do it eight times. For those of you who can stick out the hunt for salvation, beat the game and you'll be rewarded with a cutscene with the tot streaming down the Nile. I'd pay to see the crib capsize.

I hate this game.

Perhaps my favorite part is when the Egyptian stole baby Moses from me and chucked him in the river. Yes, it actually happened. That was the only time I considered enjoying this game.

Enemies of the Monica Bellucci look-alike and the baby which she carries over her head.

Evil Spider of Death (painted yellow) The Evil Spider of Death knows no remorse, and will claw at your flesh in an attempt to gather your insides for its own devious means. It will finish with the heart, allowing your character just enough time to see it stop beating. Laugh at it and hop over it.

A floating duck head with pointed ears. Every time you think you're out of danger, the floating duck head will rip you from your baby as though it you were a basketball and take you on a flight towards the sky. After about fifty feet of going upwards, it'll release you and make it anyone's guess whether you're going to land in a safe spot.

Violent Arab Person A familiar foe of Christianity, the Violent Arab Person will do everything in his might to violently poke Jochebed with his government-issued ramrod. They're pretty much programmed to chase you down until you die, which usually results in them drowning in the Nile. Hey, my country's president said the Arabs hate freedom and can't think rationally. So at least Wisdom Tree got down their AI pretty good.

Violent Black Person Minus their amazing ability to toss baby Moses into the watery depths of the Nile, they're essentially a carbon copy of the Violent Arab Person. Something, something, God, I hate this game.

David vs. Goliath (starring Manu Ginobili as David)

As a young Manu Ginobili, you must carry sheep over your head as though they were sandbags in order to prove your worthiness to fight Goliath. Don't ask how these two mix, and why every animal in the forest is trying to kill David, supposedly the story's lovable underdog hero. Wisdom Tree could have gone with a "Jewish animals are trying to hoard the forest for themselves" plotline, but that probably would have taken half the game's budget to program it into the cartridge.

Now for the first four levels, you'll jump around a cavalcade of nature's beasts while herding sheep to a flashing arrow God has conveinently placed at the end of the level. Manu (fuck it, I'm calling him Manu from this point on), being the total "high horse" retard that he is, insists on giving you no form of attack to use against the animals that attempt to claw, scratch, and devour his pride. Then in the fifth level, as he approaches the epic confrontation with the Monster of the Mediterranean, Manu finally decides "hey, I have a sling! I think I'll start using it!" Thanks, Wisdom Tree! I now have the awesome feeling of power that I get from knowing I'm about a thousand times smarter than my virtual protagonist.

Enemies of Manu Ginobili

Either a bear or a horribly racist caricature of a black guy. Snarling and menacing, the bear/racist interpretation of a black guy plods back and forth across the screen, dealing half a slab of damage (yes, half a slab of damage) when he walks into you. You'll see him about twice throughout the entire game. In the end, you'll be wondering whether or not the release date of this game was actually 1891.

Pissed-off Lion Snarling and menacing, the pissed-off lion snaps into action at the sight of wool, shredding sheep with his dominating physical stature. Well actually, the sheep just "go to sleep", since Wisdom Tree's majority shareholder (some homeless guy with about 3,000 company shares printed into a roll of toilet paper) probably would have objected to violence in a game where the final battle involves crushing in someone's skill with a rock.

Shimp With Legs Snarling and menacing, the Shrimp With Legs reminds us all that a Red Lobster is only a ten-mile drive away! It's also annoying as hell, knocking you off whatever ledge you may have been on if you happen to walk into it. And in a game where Manu controls like he's wading on a sea of ball bearings, that's really annoying as hell.

Brain Leech Riding an Upside-Down Coffee Mug. Snarling and menacing, the Brain Leech Riding an Upside-Down Coffee Mug (it's there, just stare at it for a couple of seconds) will hunt you with its honed, animalistic instincts until it scalds every inch of your body with a coat of Columbia's finest. To defeat these beasts, arm the Salt Launcher you find in the beginning of stage three and aim for the head.

Squirrel, presumably retarded. Snarling and stuttering, the Squirrel (which is presumably retarded) will attempt to be as annoying as possible, running just out of your range whilst pelting you with an endless salvo of acorns. The only way to fight back is to take what he tosses at you and throw it back...or just run, because they (the presumably retarded squirrels) are too stupid to mount a legitimate offensive when you're tailing it.

Pirate Court Jesters Snarling and menacing, the Pirate Court Jesters are the subordinates of the mighty Goliath. The ramrods return (tipped with mineral water for extra burning sensation) to beat down Manu until he's converted to a life of homosexuality. This unlocks a secret stage where God bitchslaps him for going gay.

Now, let me be honest here: I never got to Goliath. I got stuck in the fifth level and simply gave up on giving Manu the chance to face the clear favorite in battle. I really don't think Manu would have had much of a chance, anyway.

Overall:

Downloading the ROM (which is only legal if you own a copy of the game that Wisdom Tree illegally distributed) onto your machine would be like forcing your dog to wear a sweater that said "The cat fucked me." Now, I know what you're saying: "Ghetto, you say you're calm, collective, and you don't like to swear in your articles. You're being too much like Maddox right now. Why is that, Maddox impostor?" Well, let me tell you: you play this game for an hour and try to resist the slitting of the wrists. There is one good thing that can come out of this: at least if I do choose to end it all, I can go up to heaven and ask the creator why he allowed this game to make it into the throats of Nintendo consoles anywhere.

Graphics: 3/10
Gameplay: -7/10
Sound: 2/10
Time to Beat (estimated, since there's no way in hell I would play through the whole game): One hour.
Overall: 10/100 (Not an average.)

The Israelites win the pennant! The Israelites win the pennant!

© 2006 by "Ghetto Overlord". Credit will be given when necessary, and I'd expect the same from you. We're all professional here; you can be hatin, but don't be stealin.