 Chapter Two: Dat's Waicis! Feels like the last adventure was nearly ten-thousand years ago! It's time to defeat the leader of planet Neburon by travelling through time and obtaining everyday objects that aren't unique to their time period! I never thought words could hurt me, but here I am, playing Time Zone.
Welcome to Asia, fifty years before Jesus Christ invented the light bulb. Time Zone could have been an interesting product. Take Eternal Darkness: Sanity's Requiem. That game used obscure history as the overlay for the planet's potential destruction. In Time Zone, George Washington will stab you with the Declaration of Independence if you don't have the Cotton Gin.
So, it should be little surprise your current goal is to trade for rice with a Chinese farmer. You can't steal the rice, you can't take the rice by force, you can't buy rice in 1982. You must obtain it through honest measures. Time to steal something and use it for barter!
In the game that inspired Saddam Hussein's torture regimen, fiddling with the emerald will incur a predictable wrath. This is what happens when liberals taste power. They cheat on their taxes and try to keep the wealth for themselves! Rescuring freedom and apple pie from those who deserve neither? That requires creativity.
The answer is to enter the adjacent (i.e. not yours) rock garden, steal the shovel and plunder jade from the ground. After trading with the peasant (who will inevitably be punished for "stealing the jade"), it's time to stop the liberal movement at its source!
Welcome to Europe in the 1700. Yes, the barns had massive glass windows. Yes, the "farm is only for looks", Yes, this is code for "holy crap, we're running out of disk space".
And yes, Napoleon ruled Paris in 1700. Not a bad feat for somebody born in 1769, made his name at the Siege of Toulon in 1793, and became emperor in 1804. I understand liberties are welcome in fiction, but two things wreck the historical kind: Time travel and the overuse of famous figures for shock value. And right now, I'm walking around eighteenth-century Paris, home of "TEH NAPOLEANZ!!!" This naturally means one thing: I am going to break into Napoleon's residence and mess with his little-man complex.
Amuse me: How will I die in the Palace of Versailles?
"In minutes"? That sounds painful. Anything to get this game below an Adults Only rating?
So...trespassing on the palace grounds will lead to the ire of Cerebus. What prize is worth this aggravation?
You're visiting a bizarro variant of 1700. You have broken into the Palace of Versailles. This is a building constructed out of diamond-encrusted, endangered animals. If you took a chunk of the wall and put it in a box, you could eliminate the American national debt. What are we stealing? Josephine's beauty crap, featuring one of the combs used in the making of Spaceballs. Will I have time to make sense of this? Maybe. Let's just hope I don't zone out. Ha, ha, ha. Ha. Ha... ... ... ... ...hafuck this game. |
