When I was younger and more likely to overlook a video game's failings, Blizzard Entertainment made the best video games I ever played. Now that I'm older, it's obvious the company's latest offerings are the reason animals eat their young.

That is why I was disgusted by Blizzard's announcement of Starcraft II. You think B£i$$ar₫ is making a sequel because there is demand for one? Wake up, sheeple! If you think Starcraft II is about the exchange of money for a good or service, you probably think Barack Obama was born in "Hawaii", whatever that is.

That is why I am announcing the Starcraft II Boycott. The goal of this boycott? To discourage the purchase of Starcraft II until the game is released.

NO LAN

Hypothetical situation: The United States and Russia fire their nuclear arsenal at the Large Hadron Collider. The ensuing explosion causes a massive black hole that temporarily knocks down the Battle.net servers. How am I supposed to play Starcraft II, Blizzard? You're already forcing me to give up my LAN Parties at my Yukon retreat where I play Starcraft while having sex with supermodels. What do I do? I played Starcraft while Battle.net was down during the last nuclear war, why should things be different now?

IT'S TOO SOON

Eleven-plus years? Um, maybe I'm not finished with the original Starcraft? I have a Ph.D. in the internet, and I have seen one, maybe two people say they're anxious for a sequel to Starcraft. Look at Electronic Arts, a company that cares about their customers:

E.A. waited seven-hundred years to make a follow-up to The Divine Comedy. Take note, Blizzard: That is how you preserve the integrity of a beloved property.

THE GRAPHICS

Interesting fact: One of these is not a picture of the real world! Having to point this out is a testament to Starcraft's visuals. It's bad enough that Starcraft II will be in 3-D. But according to an insider (a source that shall remain anonymous) named "D. Browder", the game will use more than the 256 colors that were possible with the Starcraft game engine. Real-life doesn't have more than 256 colors, so why fix what isn't broken?

BLIZZARD KEEPS BANNING ME FROM THEIR FORUMS

I don't know how many of you have used the internet before, but when you have beef with someone on a message board, you fight them in the Octagon! None of this "suggesting selling New Orelans is not Warcraft III-related" bullshit. If Blizzard's draconian moderation keeps up, I may only purchase four copies of Starcraft II instead of five or six BASH UR FUKKIN FACE IN BLIZZADR

#1 - Starcraft II and its expansion packs must be released as a free download on your web site.
This is the first concession that must be made before I consider purchasing the game. One may argue this defeats the purpose of selling video games for money. As somebody who once purchased something at the store, I disagree. As an immediate bonus, making Starcraft II free would drastically reduce the amount of revenue lost to software piracy. In addition, placing a PayPal donation link on the Blizzard web site will allow you to recoup (if not exceed) profits that would have been made via a commercial release. This is scientific consensus and if you do not agree with me you are a pawn.

#2 - All support for World of Warcraft must desist immediately.
As long as World of Warcraft functions, there is no guarantee that Starcraft II can become a success. Also, my friend's mom writes: "My son was playing World of Warcraft. He got angry at the game and shouted 'Josh gee wilikers!' As a result, I have grounded him until his graduate studies begin next month. After many AOL keyword searches, I discovered World of Warcraft is an online role-playing game. In this game, violence is used as a means to gain "experience". I have heard the hooligans who coalesce by Mr. Williams' ice cream shop use this word. So please, ban this indecent video game and all rock music on television!"

#3 - Activision-Blizzard CEO Bobby Kotick must serve jail time for sabotaging Kuwaiti oil fields during the 1991 Gulf War.
I stumbled upon this information while reading Wikipedia, the highly-reliable online encyclopedia that anyone can edit. Within minutes of this fact's publication, "Wikipedia administrators" deleted my "blatant vandalism". That's a tall tale if I ever heard one. Mr. Kotick: Until you can admit that you were responsible for war crimes, I'm simply going to have to assume you committed them.

I have started a petition at LegallyBindingPetitions.ru and that is where we will make our voice heard.

Should you disregard the voices of your fans, 1 people have made the pledge to boycott your video game (most recent signatures listed).

Your move, Blizzard. Good luck replacing your true fans.

Back to the main page, yo.