Robert Simpson: Welcome to Starcraft II Battle Report.

Dustin Browder: My name’s Dustin Browder, I’m the lead designer for Starcraft II.

Robert Simpson: And my name’s Robert Simpson, I’m a Blizzard e-sports team member. This Battle Report is one-hundred percent real. It is not a parody. No, sir.

Robert Simpson: In the bottom of the map, we can see Matt Cooper, who has accidentally lifted off his Terran Command Center. On the other side, past the Pit of Death™ and across from the Xel'Naga Candy Shop, we can see David Kim, playing as the Protoss.

Dustin Browder: This map is called Lost Temple. It is a four-player map that I came up with on my own time. If you claim it is merely a rehash of any other Starcraft map, I will sue you for libel.

Robert Simpson: And as you can see, Matt Cooper just tried to enter a cheat code into the command prompt, unaware that cheat codes do not work in the multiplayer mode for Starcraft II.

Dustin Browder: This will be an uphill battle for Matt Cooper, who is currently on a 643-game losing streak. The Washington Generals recently contacted him about a job opening, but he is currently the property of Blizzard Entertainment.

Robert Simpson: And David Kim has begun warping in his first Gateway. It should be minutes until he achieves victory.

Dustin Browder: What a great move by David Kim to recognize the significant advantages that comes with constructing additional buildings. Advanced players will be quick to recognize that worker units are not the best option when it comes to defeating your opponent through force.

Robert Simpson: You may have also noticed that we’ve made some graphical changes to both the interface and the Starcraft II universe.

Dustin Browder: That’s right. After consulting the hardcore Starcraft community, we agree: Starcraft II’s artwork sucked. After loading the Starcraft II master artwork onto a flash drive and burning it, the decision was made to bring back all of the original artwork from Starcraft: Brood War. Why fix what isn’t broken?

Robert Simpson: And perhaps Matt Cooper should be asking the same question, as it appears he is attempting to “repair” a mineral patch, presumably to restore the original mineral count.

Dustin Browder: This could be a critical mistake for Matt Cooper. As a majority of advanced players know, there is no way to repair a mineral patch, as such an action would require minerals of your own, thus creating a rift in the space-time continuum.

Robert Simpson: Meanwhile, several Zealots have emerged from David Kim’s Gateway. It looks like he is preparing for a rush.

Dustin Browder: According to Wikipedia, a rush is a fast attack comprised of one or a few unit types. In this context, it is also known as swarming, goblin tactics, or Zerging, referring to the Zerg rush tactic from Starcraft. It sounds like a very interesting and high-level maneuver that we are about to see here.

Robert Simpson: And while David Kim has begun work on a Cybernetics Core, he has begun to move out with his Zealots. This game should be over very soon!

Dustin Browder: Matt Cooper has now asked David Kim several times how you build Marines, and David Kim is not giving him the answers he wants. This is a very clever move by the Protoss player David Kim. Rather than explain to that Terran Marines are created through the Terran Barracks, he has told Matt Cooper that his face is ugly.

Robert Simpson: Wow, that’s brutal, that’s—David, watch out for the Pit of Death™!

Dustin Browder: Oh, mercy! David Kim has just directed his Zealots through the Pit of Death™, and it is tearing apart those poor Zealots, limb from limb, they’re causing terrible, terrible damage to those poor Zealots, who surely have a wife and kids! Will someone please think of the children!?

Robert Simpson: And that was a crucial mistake by David Kim, who has just brought fresh life into Matt Cooper’s chances of winning this game. The Pit of Death™ strikes again!

Dustin Browder: You’re—you’re right, Robert Simpson, Blizzard e-sports team member for Starcraft II. The Pit of Death™ is a new feature designed to increase the level of skill required to play the game. You may think it’s safe to travel across the map in a straight line, but advanced players will need to use all their available skills to go around it. But let’s not give all the credit to the Pit of Death™. Matt Cooper is currently having one of the greatest performances in the history of competitive Starcraft II. David Kim is currently the top-ranked Starcraft II player in the world, and Matt Cooper has put him on the edge of destruction.

Robert Simpson: You’re absolutely correct, Dustin Browder, lead designer for Starcraft II. What an incredible level of play by Matt Cooper, the Terran player.

Dustin Browder: When Matt Cooper was six years old, he had finally conquered Minesweeper’s expert difficulty level. Now three years later, he may finally be hitting his stride as a Starcraft II professional. But while this game appears to be in Matt Cooper’s favor, David Kim has started researching the Wings of the Phoenix upgrade. It’s an April Fool’s joke we played on our internal testers, but keep forgetting to remove from the game, so now Matt Cooper will have to deal with flying Zealots.

Robert Simpson: What a great move by the Protoss player to exploit the ignorance of the Blizzard design team. There’s no doubt that Starcraft has evolved.

Dustin Browder: That’s right, Robert Simpson, Blizzard e-sports team member. In the old days, “no rushing for 20 minutes” and “please stop killing my base” were accepted rules of the game. But now, Starcraft II has changed that. If you can find a disconnect hack on the internet, we encourage and expect that you use it. If not, we will permanently ban you from Battle.net for being a coward, and insulting our true fans.

Robert Simpson: Soon, we expect that Matt Cooper’s base will be flooded with flying Zealots. This time, there is no possibility that the Pit of Death™ will intervene. They will soon converge on the Terran base and be the end of Matt Cooper.

Dustin Browder: This will be a traumatic event for Matt Cooper, father figure and caretaker of that Terran military outpost. When this game is over, the real game begins: How do you explain to families of the fallen that those men died under your command? How do you explain to them that things would have been different under a more-skilled commander? This will surely haunt Matt Cooper for the rest of his life.

Robert Simpson: And here comes the Zealots, and…oh, what an amazing play by Matt Cooper to stymie David Kim’s assault!

Dustin Browder: Incredible move by Matt Cooper!

Robert Simpson: It was so incredible, I’m not even sure how to describe it!

Dustin Browder: Robert, that display of athletic ability is known as focus fire. It’s a revolutionary tool that allows you to select a group of units and tell them all to focus fire a single unit. It was fortunate for Matt Cooper that he discovered how to train Marines, and this ability allowed him to kill individual Zealots faster and more effectively.

Robert Simpson: What an incredible move. Thank you for explaining it to me Dustin Browder, lead designer for Starcraft II.

Dustin Browder: This may go down as one of the greatest moments in the history of competitive Starcraft. David Kim is running for his life! Go get ‘em, Matt Cooper! Defend humanity! Give David Kim hell!

Robert Simpson: Easy there Dustin Browder, lead designer for Starcraft II. Matt Cooper is using his new-found map control to secure new mineral fields. This is a very skilled move by the Terran player.

Dustin Browder: According to Starcraft Wiki, expanding is a risky move. It costs 300 to 400 minerals, exposing new workers as well, and stretches a player's defenses to cover more territory. However, it's also a necessary move. In standard StarCraft play, bases run out of minerals, so a player that doesn't expand will quickly run out materials to tech or attack and be overrun.

Robert Simpson: David Kim has been incapacitated by his failed counter-attack, but as many fans of the original Starcraft know, attempting to ascend a ramp leading into one’s base is one of the dumbest things you can ever do. Notable “ramps leading into the enemy’s base” throughout history include the Battle of Gettysburg, the Battle of Thermopylae, and other historic battles I saw at the movie theater. This is a wise move by the Terran player.

Dustin Browder: And it appears Matt Cooper will be using those expansions to create so many units that their firepower will block out the sun! If the Protoss are solar-powered, this could be a devastating blow to David Kim.

Robert Simpson: Either way, it appears David Kim may be running out of luck.

Dustin Browder: It looks like this game may be over in a matter of moments. Matt Cooper has assembled a massive Terran army, and has moved it around the Pit of Death™. Matt Cooper may finally gain the respect of other human beings at Blizzard Entertainment’s headquarters.

Robert Simpson: But hold on a second! David Kim has deployed a unit new to our latest build of Starcraft, the Protoss Frost Wyrm! Frost Wyrms are dangerous flying beasts summoned from the outer worlds of a planet we made up three days ago, and oh my goodness, David Kim is attacking! Look at the carnage!

Dustin Browder: Oh, and the Frost Wyrms are causing terrible, terrible, damage to Matt Cooper’s forces! The back ranks of the Terran are holding it just enough to keep it from—they’ve burst into flames! They’ve burst into flames, and they’re falling, and crashing! Get out of the way! They’re burning and bursting into flames! This is the worst of the worst catastrophes in the world! The Terran forces are crashing to the ground! Oh, the humanity! I told you—I can’t even talk to Robert. I can’t talk, ladies and gentlemen. The Terran, they’re just laying there, a mass of smoking wreckage! Robert, that’s terrible.

Robert Simpson: And in an incredible turn of events, David Kim is going to win this game, and there’s the “gg” from Matt Cooper, followed by the “ur a lucky noob”.

Dustin Browder: Ah—I can’t—listen folks, I’m gonna have to stop for a minute because I’ve lost my voice. This is the worst thing I’ve ever witnessed.

Robert Simpson: Thanks for watching this Starcraft II Battle Report.