posted May 9, 2008, by Vladimir "VV" Vladivostok

I am here to spread glory of Russia Hackteam, which is motto of “Only Hack, Not Cheat”. With over thirty-five member based out of Nikolai Bulganin Internet Café in Moscow, we look to dominate world in e-sport.

According to father Alexei Vladivostok, dad of which I great respect, I was born of no-good Georgian women named Evpraksiya. After baby pouch eject me into Russia homeland, Alexei tell story that Evpraksiya join wolves and vow revenge. I do not believe this story. Why wolves let inferior species join them? Women can barely have baby, let alone join wolves and explore wild. WOMAN IS DANGEROUS. Need proof? Nearly half of Chechnya is woman. That is prove enough. However, Alexei make right idea with anti-woman stance and become great influence in why I professional video game. In Russia, woman is ban from gaming, so they cannot ruin my career.

Everyone has made question for Vladimir Vladivostok: What is you do as child? Why are you e-sport machine? Why is you genetic freak? People think I am practice machine, but reality of practice is 20 minutes a week or when bored at tournament I easily win. In off-time, I am Russia sex machine. As say earlier, women is only good as baby pouch, so I call Russia police station and ask, “do you have beautiful girl who wish to have sex for free?” Since average women too dangerous even for jail, they send to apartment which I am in. We make passionate love for six, seven, eight hours and then I throw woman in trash with rest of garbage. Garbage pickup take away and not go to jail instead. This is true story and I am hero to Russia jail system.

We fight to be top e-sport fight club, but also fight to defeat United States. I tell redundant story I tell all fans, but still meaningful story: When I young, I go to Moscow Zoo and see peacock. I punch peacock. In Russia culture, punch peacock is respect, but peacock fight back. Peacock is America. You punch in face as way of respect, but America not understand WHY WE PUNCH IN FACE. They eat hamburger and launch nuke in retaliate. This is why Russia must stand strong against peacock.

I play Warcraft III many years. I get rank one on all server, but never get money tournament invite. Why is? I explain: Andrei Kirilenko, national basketball hero, best player in world but not allowed to be one-man team? Why is such? Because NBA know Andrei Kirilenko would win world championship. Great dynasties would be Chicago Bull, Los Angeles Laker, Boston Celtic, Andrei Kirilenko…since NBA is racist against white, there is no way they would want Andrei to win. Warcraft III fight club scene would know I win. That is why I get no tournament invite.

In meantime, I dominate Warcraft III online play. One time during early years of Warcraft III, my account get closed and I get kicked off game! I post on Warcraft III forums and they say I am cheater. Everyone has had question for Russia Hackteam: Maphack is cheat, why is you cheat with maphack? Allow me explain: Is computer monitor cheat? Computer monitor make game easier but not cheat. Therefore, maphack is not cheat. Blizzard in past has banned for maphack but no longer ban for maphack because maphack is legal strategy. It is like say warp zone in Super Mario Brothers is not legal strategy. If I want use warp zone I can use warp zone, and if I want use hack I can use hack. Nintendo ban player for use warp zone? No. Maphack is preference that make game more fun.

In summary, if you wish join Russia Hackteam e-sport fight club, please send information to Russia Hackteam website:

- Name
- Address
- Social Security Number
- City
- Credit Card Number
- Country
- Woman’s Maiden Name

Many has had question for signup: Why must I give Social Security Number? Is that not wise choice? In my opinion this is wise choice. To ease fear, we will send RUSSIA HACKTEAM HAT with each Social Security Number. If you have many Social Security Number, you will get MANY RUSSIA HACKTEAM HATS.

Thank you and we encourage you watch Russia Hackteam e-sport fight club dominate.

Russia #1

- Vladimir "VV" Vladivostok

home of russia hackteam, e-sport fight club. my comrade boris borisenko is play starcraft...use mineral cheat. i say "Boris, why are we best player in world?" boris say "comrade, it is because we are only people understand that it is only hack and not cheat." so anyway, woman comes into store ask to use internet. my friend yuri yablonski is clerk and #2 player in russia hackteam, tell woman get the fuck out because she is woman. woman say that one day we will pay for this. then yuri say "one day I will see you on street and pay for YOU!" this make hearty laugh at nikolai bulganin lan cafe, home of russia hackteam, russia #1 clan.

rus #1

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i have receive talk from russia media outlet with grave news. report say that murderers have fire long range missile, damage skyscraper in moscow and st. petersburg. kill many children. current suspect is terrorist state of georgia. as result i must postpone Hackteam rematch versus The Sasha Killers. i fear much for safety of the mother russia. first we attacked by chechnya, now georgia? unbelief...

rus still #1

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konstantin chernenko hospital in downtown russia has inform that boris "BB" borisenko of russia hackteam suffer a broken arm in post game fight with The Sasha Killers. after well fought, athletic victory for Russia Hackteam, The Sasha Killers say that we use flashbang hack to disconnect enemy team. I explain only dog shit think hack is cheat. This is correct answer, but they do not like, and struggle ensue. Sasha Salisev and his cowards scratch, claw, kick manhood, do whatever to get revegence against Hackteam victory. I do not let this happen. Sasha throw right cross at me, but I duck. then with power of mother russia behind, I throw flying uppercut. blood go many direction and coat wall of nikolai bulganin internet cafe.

on that, coward retreat.

however, boris was hurt by punch he hit against head of Nikita Karpov. Sasha Killers claim his arm broken by muay thai kick, but this quickly refute when you learn muay thai is fighting style of THAILAND. it cannot be in russia. therefore, this is unlikely story and victory for Russia Hackteam of Nikolai Bulganin Internet Cafe.

rus #1

Update August 2: russia hackteam and The Sasha Killers have agree to rematch. cs_dust at 7:00 in night time on september 19. loser will clean blood off wall of nikolai bulganin internet cafe in moscow, home of Russia Hackteam

russia #1

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