The Orc Strategy Guide
My years of Warcraft experience has shown me that the newbie Orc player has become confounded and disgruntled with the difficulty of tasks such as “Train Grunt” and “Hold Position”. It is in response to these complex foreign policy problems that I have created a premium strategy guide with the intention of making the Horde as simple as possible to conquer victory with. It’s so elementary, even a Defense of the Ancients player can do it! But you ask, "hay gheto, why da fuk r u riteing a stragedy gide for a race u dnot plya?" It is because I possess significant political power and you are a piece of fucking shit, go to hell, die already. This is the last Warcraft update you are ever getting on this web site, because there are better things on the internet to do than crap on a strategy game that's been witness to more of its own birthdays than creative gameplay tactics. Naming Your Character The first step of naming your character will be the most difficult task you will ever face playing as an Orc. Players such as demon_hunter007 embody this gameplay tactic, demonstrating a dominating fifty percent win-loss recordness. Nobody knows what the British Secret Service and Night Elf Superman have in common, but he probably won about fifty to sixty games merely by causing people’s heads to explode from rationalizing that. Me personally? I like to enjoy Warcraft. If you’re looking for a pretty win-loss record, you may prefer handing out aneurysms via your pseudonyms, but if you’re out for a family-friendly and ecologically-aware ladder game, names such as “GGGetTheFuvkOut” and “IFukenRapeUrAss” are excellent choices. When you’ve finally logged onto the Battle.nets, set your arena preferences and click the button that says “Search Game”, which is an obvious translation error for “Waiting in Queue”. Substantiated reports of players waiting in this queue “all fuckn night fuck u blizzadr” have led me to believe that Koreans, a nocturnal beast from the Orient, all log into Starcraft at the exact same time to overload Battle.net and spite the American imperialists. While you are reading this guide, begin the process of "Waiting in Queue". Bring a couple of books as well, because you're not getting in any time soon. Picking Your Hero Class
When you finally make it to the show, you will be given the option of four separate “hero” classes, each of which masquerade as a different difficulty level: Blademaster (Easy)
According to students at the Littledale Elementary Computer Learning Center, the Blademaster is the bestest, most awesomest character EVER! This sword-happy damage machine became part of Throne popular culture with the advent of the player-built item shop, but the word “unkillable” wasn’t tossed around until one late-night party at Blizzard. Select employees, high on a truckload of cocaine purchased with thirty minutes of the world of Warcraft's subscription fees, altered the character’s Wind Walk ability to allow him to walk through units. Blizzard has been meaning to undo the work of their irresponsible balance team, but the company wants you to know this "world of Warcraft" is such an awesome game, and they would love it if you hitched onto the worldwide phenomenon. JOIN THE TIME SINK! Given the server I use as a barometer for Warcraft ability, “unkillable” may seem like a stretch. Approximately thirty of the Azeroth server's top hundred players are actually trained ferrets. But if it looks like an Orc, and its win percentage looks like forty percent, it’s going to make a Blademaster, it’s going to kill your own hero, and it’s going to lambaste you for being so bad at this game. Commencing this “Blademaster kills your hero” thing only requires a single click, leaving considerable time for the player who controls the character to blame their allies, racial imbalance, George W. Bush, and mother while their own base and said allies are having their positions decimated. Terrible Warcraft players are a unique breed of stupid; the average person that reads this web site (can tie shoes, doesn’t attack Frost Wyrms with Tauren, does not drink gasoline) should be able to easily achieve victory with this hero. Tauren Chieftain (Medium)
For most players moving up to the medium difficulty level, the Tauren Chieftain presents as large a conundrum as a video game could give you. The cowbeast’s ability progression is similar to the damage control you would expect from a Nintendo Wii apologist: “Okay, it sucks right now, but just wait, just wait! It gets better, I promise! Dude, how can you not like Wii Sports? You can play bowling with this! You can’t do that in real life!” Fuck the Wii. Any player able to fight off five hero levels of underwhelming Cow-warrior action will find themselves in the control box of the game’s most powerful character. Footmen Frenzy champions will find themselves at home, launching the Chieftain recklessly into hopeless situations and watching it walk out with a full tank of Reincarnated whoopass. You thought that Wind Walk change was retarded? Reincarnation punishes the opposing player for doing the right thing and killing the character. Arguably Blizzard's most tragic oversight since the creation of Justice League Task Force. Far Seer (Hard)
Before the Blademaster became a pop sensation, the Far Seer was the most powerful character in the history of Warcraft. He quickly won over undecided voters with his unparalleled early-game creeping, mid-game mediocrity, and end-game vanishing act. But this is an instant-gratification generation, and people turned away from the Far Seer as players found it too difficult to control Nazgrel and his pair of Spirit Wolves. Can you blame them? That would be like driving a race car with three steering wheels! The Far Seer would go on to occupy a niche market terrorizing Undead players unfamiliar with the Nerubian Tower, and he has since earned the hearts and minds of players incapable of realizing the Blademaster can do everything the Seer can better. While there is some debate as to the viability of the Far Sight ability, I have spoken to many Christians who find the use of this ability is a viable substitute for self-flagellation. Shadow Hunter (Prepare to Get Slaughtered)
Playing the Game
Retaining Your Experience
Video games first innovated by adding battery backup and password features, and Warcraft has taken a revolutionary leap forward by removing them. I can state with confidence that Azeroth's greatest warriors have cheated both death and power outages to become the most powerful nerds in the galaxy. This style of "hardcore" gaming will do nothing but aggravate casual gamers, who will find their single-computer household and gaming experience under siege. While I am currently looking for a way to circumvent the need to recreate a character every time you "log in", try convincing your mother that your father is knocking up your sister to get back at your older brother for mistreating his grandfather. The ensuing family feud should leave you plenty of time to achieve your Warcraft-based destiny. Grouping Along your quest to becoming Azeroth’s greatest warrior, you must exploit your alliances until you are capable of destroying the map in a single Shockwave. Most early-game powerleveling will be done against NPCs. Many other players share this sentiment and will often use the /follow command to leech experience from your honest efforts. While Warcraft's game design is focused towards providing a team experience, understand that players will learn to control their hero much more effectively if you give them a little bit of encouragement.
Seeing as you are a warm-blooded mammal who uses the internet, it is likely you will find complete frustration with your teammates. Fortunately, Blizzard has a zero-tolerance policy in regards to so-called "backstabbers", and as a result, these mythical beasts are typically confined to inhabit other, lesser Blizzard games. At the worst, defeated gamers will often leave without remorse and leave you asking questions. Questing
Inexplicably unimplemented. Using the Markets
Conclusion You have now been endowed with all the knowledge required to become the most feared Orc on the planet. Go forth, my pupil, and become the greatest killer the world of Warcraft has ever seen!
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