The Human Strategy Guide

IF NO TOWERS

IF MANY TOWERS

MORE TOWERS

MORE TOWERS

Ghetto Overlord presents:

Doesn't even need a name. You know what's coming.

The critics said it couldn't be done. No man in the history of his kind could possibly take on a subject as difficult as an analysis of gameplay in a four year-old video game. But Ghetto Overlord isn't a man. He's an internet superstar. He brings you the guide on Human strategy for Warcraft III, the only Warcraft game released this century worth playing.

Playing against an opponent who picks Human has often been likened to war, because war is not humane. In a game where you create mobile, living, breathing units to destroy the enemy, Human players will only need one unit: the Guard Tower. Beginner Human players soon realize that for every Footman they produce, they could have saved two units of food and thirty-five gold by creating a Guard Tower. Playing as Human requires shiploads of lumber, but keep in mind: the real humans have pretty much torn down the South American rainforests over the course of thirty years. You think the fake humans are going to have a problem doing it?

As a Human player, your first objective is to seal in your base and, if you're playing a team game, backstab one or two allies for their gold mines (see: Expanding the Map). The easiest way to do this is amass a small contingent of militia, Town Portal into an allied base, and chop them to the ground. If your teammates complain, tell them how the biggest Grand Theft Auto game ever just got announced and that it's called GTA: Your Mom's Vagina. After you've done this, you can now focus on winning the game. If you have not placed half a dozen towers in your base already, do so at this time, using the flow chart below as a guide to determine if you need more towers.

And don't even bother trying to micromanage units. It becomes really distracting when you're trying to nail all the notes in a tough solo on Guitar Hero.

Expanding the Map
Conventional wisdom tells us that it's foolish to expand the map without an army to protect it. In Warcraft III terminology, a being able to expand the map with the Human army without using timing or skill to determine when to do so is known as a "racial advantage". The lack of skill involved in expanding can be excused, because according to non-Human Warcraft III players, the only racial advantage that the Humans have is "being the best race".

Versus Human
Though it doesn't translate well to the Warcraft III chat client, play "Paper, Rock, Scissors". Loser leaves, because neither of you want to spend weeks camped out at your machine wondering what awful god forced you to play against another of your kind.

Versus Orc
Surprisingly enough, the Orcs can almost match an army of towers toe-to-toe, minus the fact they can't expand as effectively, lack the siege capability to destroy Human towers, and that there are dinner plates which can outthink Orc players. I win two out of every three games against Orc by asking if I can sleep over at their base and then telling them that Alt-QQ unplugs the night light.

Versus Night Elf
The Human race has achieved the impossible: the Night Elves and their players now know what it is like to fear. The days of mass Huntresses dominating the countryside have fallen to a massive infestation of urban sprawl. Not even Bear/Dryad is going to save you from this one, Newbelves.

Versus Undead
Undead players know better. They're not sticking around to play this bullshit.

Versus Anti-Tower Units
If your opponent isn't a Mississippi college student, he should immediately be smart enough to realize that he should contain your territorial advances and begin to produce units to destroy your towers. This is a brazen strategy, but it can be surprisingly effective if the player has the patience to play a two hour game of Warcraft III. While it may seem logical to form a giant wall of Gryphon Riders and make love to the opposing army, the most effective tactic revolves around leaving the computer and doing something else. Perhaps arts and crafts is your fancy, or maybe you could even go make some Tilapia, smothered with garlic powder and oregano. When you get back, ask your opponent what it was like to spend twenty minutes fighting through the Maginot Line. Veteran players often question the sexuality of their opponent as well.

Team Games
It's an unwritten rule in team games that you have to rush your opponent every game or the Muslims will be inspired to retake Jerusalem. Not even ardent griefers will take a chance at Muslim conquest of the holy land and refrain from teching for at least the first half hour of the game. By the time your opponents have finally figured out which side they're going to attack after twenty minutes of rigorous debate, you should be ready to take on the enemy in a one versus four assault. I say "one versus four" because Random Team players will often complain that you let their hero die to creeps while the enemy is pounding on your door, so don't expect their help. If you die, blame your allies and leave (though I'm sure you do this anyway).

Masonry
As natural disasters such as the San Francisco Earthquake and Hurricane Andrew showed us, upgrading your masonry can mean the difference between whether or not you'll be laughing at the misery of others or eating packets of "FEMA Presents: Chopped Rubber in a Sherry Cream Sauce". The real downfall to the masonry upgrade is that it's like rigging bottle rockets to a nuclear weapon: sure, it'll be a dazzle when it turns Tehran into a parking lot, but it's quite not necessary. By the time you've gotten level three masonry, you should have so many towers that people think the map broke out from Smallpox.

Conclusion
The Humans. Undisputed champions of their domain. I usually tell people to adapt to the strategies they're facing, but quite frankly, nothing got by the Berlin Wall, and nothing's getting by your Guard Tower wall. Let me end this by going to the tune of Gangsta's Paradise, cause…

As I walk through the valley of the Coil of Death
I take a look at my life and realize there's nothing left
Cause I've been Coiled and Novaed for so long that
Even my friends list thinks that my mind has gone

But I ain't never met a dead one that didn't deserve it
Me be treated like a noob, and you think that's unheard of
So you be watch who you bashin', and how you massin'
Or your Destroyers might get focused and fired

I really hate to trip, but I gotta lope
I'm lightin' their acos as I'm shieldin' my bloke, fool
I'm the noob at tier 3, abusers wanna be like
With three expos by night
Sayin "GG" in the chat write

Been spendin' most my gold
Massin' towers by the hundred fold
Been spendin' most my gold
Massin' towers by the hundred fold
Keep spendin' most my gold
Massin' towers by the hundred fold
Keep spendin' most my gold
Massin' towers by the hundred fold

Back to the main page, before the towers consume us all!