The life cycle of Blizzard game support is as follows: Blizzard announces a game-breaking patch, the community donates feedback to the effort, the community complains the patch is behind schedule, Blizzard releases the combined efforts of a beginner computing class, the community whines, and the gaming media throws Blizzard a parade.  Weeks earlier, Blizzard announced a drive to get feedback for a final Diablo II balance patch.  This will be the final step in the game’s life cycle, where the company gives Barbarians an extra armor point and replaces Hardcore Mode with the Conficker Virus.

Mainstream gamers heard about Blizzard’s sendoff to Diablo II, and gave the company a blowjob.  “Blizzard is still updating the game?  They really know how to please their customers.”  Sell that with a straight face to the Warcraft III community.  I’ve already detailed the nightmare that was Patch 1.22.  It’s also worth noting I spent ninety minutes searching for a ladder game while writing this.  For several years, my brethren and I have been pulling an Oliver Twist, begging to get a new map pool.  In addressing (of all things) Guitar Hero, I surmised the problem many moons ago:

Until its removal last year, the Starcraft ladder system was an exploitable joke. When South Korea’s Starcraft scene flourished, the professional leagues became the “authority” as to what maps were played. As they rotated the maps on a yearly basis, amateur players did the same. Warcraft III’s spectacular ladder system turned Blizzard into the authority on which maps were played competitively. This placed the weight on the company to update their map pool regularly. Their inaction in doing this has led to a community without the unification to dictate a new map pool. So while players complain Turtle Rock is a tired map, they will play it anyway.

Enter Highperch, a downloadable melee map that was promoted to ladder status.  Its most compelling feature is a pair of Healing Fountains entrenched in the mountainsides.  With no Goblin Laboratories (and thus no air transports), the intended concept is for only air units to have access to these fountains.  Through the glorious nature of Warcraft III’s gameplay, certain racial combinations can circumvent this with a combination of Tiny Great Halls, Mass Teleport, Wardens, Tinkers, etc.  And through the glorious nature of the Warcraft III community, “Highperching” was born.

1) The contest begins.  It is important to remember that in the strategy game Warcraft III, scouting is not only frowned upon, but is a bannable offense.  Attempting to scout will be met with wisdom such as “We know where they are” and, if you selected your race at random, “Thanks for showing me your race.”  If you think I am making that up, remember: This is the computer game where I spent a match pretending to be Rush Limbaugh, and got yelled at because I was sharing right-wing propaganda with everyone in the game…instead of only my allies.  The Highperch will go according to plan.

2) The Highperchers tower the chokepoints leading into the bases while securing expansions.  There is nothing unusual about this portion of the strategy.  This is why I tell people that Warcraft III Tower Defense maps are redundant.

3) The opposing team makes the critical mistake of trying to win the game.  During this period, the Highperchers shuttle themselves onto the mountain and recreate Helm’s Deep.

4) With ample anti-air defenses and enough fortifications to shame the Maginot Line, the mountainside is secured.  With only four additional gold mines for the six participants, a stalemate will ensue shortly.

While the Highperchers have the option of making popcorn and going to the club (where they’ll tell stories of their Highperch bravado), the attacking team is glued to their machines, fearing that God’s armies will descend the mountain and spread Christianity.  Rather than quitting the game and moving on, possibly winning several other matches in the following hour, both parties will test their manhood and grind it out.  Highperching has replaced Counter-Strike as the ultimate display of internet masculinity.

The average Highperch game lasts one to three hours, roughly the amount of effort it would take for Blizzard to update the Warcraft III map pool.  On rare occasions, Highperching goes beyond grief play.  There is the reason that the period of time from April 3rd to the 7th will become a day that shall live in infamy:

For those doing the math, that is a ninety-seven-hour-long Highperch game.  Three innocents, refusing to taint their impeccable 29-38 record, braved day and night until the remaining Highpercher was disconnected from the internet.  In order to enjoy Warcraft III, six players spent four days fighting over one single match.  But didn’t you hear?  Blizzard is releasing a new patch for Diablo II!  They really know how to please their customers.

(For more information, consult this detailed Battle Report on Highperching.  As a bonus, the sexuality of many people is questioned.  Has many pretty pictures! :D :D :D)

This entry was posted on Tuesday, April 21st, 2009 at 6:07 am and is filed under Blizzard Entertainment, Gameplay, Support, Warcraft III. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.