The first episode of The Tester was a Cerebus of crazy, a reality television show pining against its self-interests. This twisted attempt to merge Serious Business™ with multi-dozen-dollar production values is proof my math class lied.  One plus one actually equals fucking boring.

Don’t pin it on (picture credit to Joystiq) the contestants.  Minus Ciji (going by the name Star, playing the “I’m the best, believe it!” card), the contestants don’t get a modicum to express themselves beyond a one-layer gimmick.  Amped is a cheerleading coach.  Luge has a Brooklyn accent.  Doc is the lovable fatty.  Where World Cyber Games: Ultimate Gamer established the insanity to come, we know two things about The Tester’s crew: Affirmative action won the day, and two contestants will be eliminated in the next thirty minutes.

But one particular incident stuck out.

The basis for the first challenge pulls from the newspaper: “What’s the difference between these two pictures?”  In a “What skills do you need to be a game tester?” way, it actually makes a bit of sense.  The problem?  Every contestant tears apart the same police lineup.  The Tester tears out your heart by forcing you to watch all of it.  With the segment on life support, Doc brings a change of pace by cracking a joke, stating the picture of a dinner table is making him hungry.  Minutes later, the panelists eviscerate him for not taking the challenge seriously.  What an example to set on a reality show: Personality will not be tolerated here.

The only television I regularly watch is The Daily Show and The Soup.  Both of these shows mock what television is and what passes for it.  I can barely watch television judged to be the class of its genre.  What chance do you have of getting me to watch The Tester on its own merit?  So uh…yeah.  For all I care, this show can launch itself to the heights of reality television.  When it gets there, it can jump off and kill itself.  I have no interest in watching an infomercial that combines Double Dare with military bootcamp.

This is how bad the economy sucks:

Sony has revealed the contestants that will compete for a spot as a game tester on The Tester, a reality show on PlayStation Network.

The company held an open casting call last September, and on Thursday it revealed the 11 contestants, who range in age from 22 to 36. In addition to the contract with Sony, players are competing for a $5,000 “signing bonus.”

The show, hosted by Meredith Molinari, is produced in collaboration with 51 Minds, creator of The Surreal Life and Rock of Love.  Over the course of eight episodes, the contestants will compete in physical and mental challenges.

Yes: Ten human beings (and Ciji) are competing for five-thousand dollars and the RIGHT to earn a career in gaming’s entry-level soul-crusher.

I can only think of one way hypothetical scenario where this could ever be topped:

Starcraft fan site Teamliquid.net has revealed that American professional gamer Greg “IdrA” Fields will star in his own reality show.

Few details have been revealed about the nine-episode mini-series, but anonymous sources claim the show will follow a set formula: He will argue with people on the internet while simultaneously playing Starcraft.  He will “alt-tab” to discover his “base” has been overrun.  He then calls the opponent a hacker and punches a hole in a wall.

“We had a much different concept for the show with an actual plot structure, but he did this about eight or nine times and then the producers ran out of film,” the anonymous source said.

But hey, I suppose a redux of World Cyber Games: Ultimate Gamer is a solid consolation prize.