Heard this one?  Blizzard pissed off its fans by listening to them.  Blizzard updated their anti-hacking program in order to eliminate custom game cheaters.  In doing so, they rendered a number of third-party programs illegal, many of which were used to administrate Defense of the Ancients.  I can’t comment on which programs are responsible (since nobody actually knows), but they may include a program that allow you to kick people from custom games, and a program that lets you ban people who left the game because their dad was in a car accident.

Pragmatically, you can take this either way.  On one hand, it indicates Blizzard is ignorant that a Warcraft III custom map is one of the most popular computer games in the world.  On the other side, Blizzard can do whatever they want with Battle.net, and you’re not paying for a lawyer to contest the Terms of Use.  Besides, on May the 20th, Blizzard used Battle.net to announce this was all going down:

“We would like to remind everybody that the use of any third-party software in conjunction with the game to modify Battle.net and/or change game play in any way may result in account closers and a people suspension of access to Battle.net.  Third-party software may include, but is not limited to any program that allows you to run multiple instances of the game at the same time, cheats, hacks, and/or bots.  To continue our aggressive stance on cheats/hacks, we will be monitoring Custom games as well as Ladder games on Battle.net.”

So naturally, DotA players are livid that they used hacks in order to enforce their custom game hierarchy.  How angry are they?  How about I just let some pretty pictures do the work?  A picture of somebody posting a thousand words is worth a thousand words. (Click to enlarge.)

Yup.  British imperialism, slavery, and the Holocaust.  What better than to associate a list of humanity’s crimes with Defense of the Ancients?  Props to Piesofthenorth for most of the information in this entry.  Be back over the weekend.  I have important, life-related things I need to deal with.

This self-proclaimed number junkie has never understood Fantasy Football and feels there are better ways to earn bragging rights than luck-based stat-crunching. Also, there’s Fantasy “Custom Map Hosted in Warcraft III” now.

In this unique browser based game, you start out as an individual DotA player and develop your skills until you are invited to play in a team. Once you have been invited into a team, you and your team mates will compete in exciting matches and tournaments against other teams. But if you want to be successful, it is crucial that you manage your player effectively by carrying out trainings sessions and contracts from your team, and by devising tactics and selecting heroes that you can employ to defeat your opponents.

Are you good enough to reach the top? Can you beat the best of the rest in playing Defense of the Ancients? Sign up for DotA Manager and on our forums now and prove it when the game launches imminantly!

Fantasy Warcraft III and Counter-Strike were bad enough, but at least they’re based on games of skill. If you’re looking for a spin-off addiction to supplement your DotA fetish, let me recommend a gunshot to the head. It’s far less painful.

One Thursday last week, I assured a real-life friend (Google it if you don’t know what that is) that I’m a genetic beast who never falls ill. Fittingly, I’ve been sick every day since then. Fortunately, my sore throat is the last thing I’m left to fighting off, and that can’t stop me from yelling at the internet.

Before I carry forward, I’d like to note that my fans (one person showing support under the guise of numerous Battle.net accounts) have constantly crapped on me for reshaping the focus of my writing. Prior, a great deal of my time and effort was devoted to embarassing the internet’s lower life-forms, and that has pissed off a lot of people. Apparently, developing a point for this web site’s existence should take a backseat to a form of harassment I should have ceded when I was sixteen. With that said, I continue my barrage against the DotA community, a hypocritical test of the community’s preparation to defend the most fantastifying contest of skill ever created. I went to the #Dota-Allstars IRC chat room to find out.

DOTA POLICE LOG 12/14/07 (EDITED TO PROTECT DOTA POLICE DEPARTMENT, INCLUDES COMMENTARY)

<MagicPanda> Cheez-Its, it is integral to the stability of this chat room that DotA be discussed at all times.
<hoohah2> what was DotA again?
<MagicPanda> If you are not discussing DotA, you will be banned.
<vic9812> «+MagicPanda» vic9812, please do not post non-DotA-related pictures in this chat room. Attempting to circumvent this rule again will result in a ban.
<vic9812> ROFL

HOOHAH2 IS MORE INTERESTED IN THE DOTA POLICE’S USE OF DELIBERATE IRONY THAN OBEYING THE FUCKING LAWL

MagicPanda> VIC9812, do not use capital letters in this channel, or you will be BANNED.
<Cheez-Its> What pokemon are they?
<MagicPanda> hoohah2, do not use capital letters in this channel, or you will be BANNED.
<Cheez-Its> Pikachu
<Cheez-Its> And two others I don’t recognize
<MagicPanda> Cheez-Its, do not talk about Pokémon in this channel, or you will be BANNED.
<hoohah2> you’re using capital letters too

DOTA COMMUNITY HAS NEVER WITNESSED THE USE OF CHECKS AND/OR BALANCES

<hoohah2> Trystero is here, he’s like DotA vice-president
<hoohah2> how would you report him
<BLAOW> <_<,
<VIC9812> Let’s see
<MagicPanda> I am the chief of DotA Police. I can arrest the DotA vice president if I feel it is necessary to ensure the safety of DotA.

SITUATION BECAME TENSE. MAGICPANDA DID THE PROPER THING AND CLEARED WAY FOR BACKUP.

<hoohah2> I feel it is necessary for you to go hang yourself.
<MagicPanda> hoohah2, do not threaten me with your ropes. I once killed an entire Nazi batallion with a six-foot rope.
<MagicPanda> If you continue to threaten me with said rope I will ban you from this chat room.

<MagicPanda> Using this chat room is a privilege, not a right.
<MagicPanda> It is your privilege to talk about DotA and nothing else.
<MagicPanda> And it is my right to ban you if you disagree with this rule.

<BLAOW> your attempt to be grandiloquent is quite forced
<hoohah2> you could’ve banned him
<MagicPanda> hoohah2, please take your off-topic chat else-where.
<DonTomaso> :p
<hoohah2> else-where?
<hoohah2> ELSE-WHERE?
<MagicPanda> Reported for improper grammar.
<MagicPanda> Reported for capital letters.
<MagicPanda> hoohah2, you are in a mess of trouble.
<Sakuya> MagicPanda, please stop being a gay faggot. You are destroying the integrity of this channel.
<BLAOW> those are sentence fragments
<DonTomaso> MagicPanda, please take your on-topic chat elsewhere
<MagicPanda> I’m not concerned about any of your concerns.
<MagicPanda> I have reported this entire chat room to the DotA police.
<DonTomaso> this chat is purely for offtopic
<MagicPanda> The DotA patrol van will be here to arrest you at any moment.

TRYSTERO RETURNS FROM WEEKLY FUNDRAISER, MAGICPANDA MAKES DECISION TO BRING DOWN CORRUPT OFFICIAL BEFORE HE COULD STRIKE BACK AGAINST THE DOTA POLICE.

<Trystero> Huh?
<DotAPolice> You are all under arrest from this chat room.
<whifrA> yah, whats yer fav
<Cheez-Its> Trystero, slap a banstick on DotAPolice
*** Blazzu is now known as Domatoe
<DotAPolice> Trystero, you are under arrest by the DotA Police.

<MagicPanda> Sakuya, please continue. When the DotA patrol van gets here you will regret your decision to confront me.
<Sakuya> it comes with my irc program
<Sakuya> MagicPanda, it’s really annoying when you Follow a few steps behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Super Cleaner.
<hoohah2> just ignore this goon until he realizes nobody thinks he’s funny
<BLAOW> dota patrol = the wambulance
<Sakuya> MagicPanda, Yo mama wears a Nike tag on her weave so now everybody calls her Hair Jordan.
<MagicPanda> Your mother is dead because she did not abide by the DotA chat room rules.

<Sakuya> MagicPanda, Yo mama’s got no legs and always talking about how she used to kick it
<BLAOW> oh shit domatoe is “impersonating” a moderator
<BLAOW> rofl
<Sakuya> MagicPanda, Yo mama’s so dumb she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jif.
<DonTomaso> impersonating myself? zomg
<DonTomaso> BAN ME
<Sakuya> MagicPanda, Yo mama waves around a popsickle stick and calls it air conditioning.
<MagicPanda> Sakuya, if you continue to copy-paste canned insults I will have you banned from this channel.

THE DOTA VICE PRESIDENT CHALLENGES THE CHIEF OF DOTA POLICE, TO PREDICTABLE RESULTS

<Trystero> DotAPolice, … who *are* you?
<Sakuya> wow
<DotAPolice> I am the DotA Police.
<Sakuya> he’s here!
<hoohah2> exactly.
<DotAPolice> If you have a problem with this, I will arrest you.

<DotAPolice> If Trystero attempts to disrupt this room, I will have him arrested.
<Cheez-Its> Threatening us with bans from the ban police
<hoohah2> his forum name is MagicPanda
<hoohah2> obviously
<Trystero> okfine …
<Domatoe> he will molest you
You’ve been kicked out of #DotA-Allstars by Trystero (stop being annoying)

END TRANSCRIPT

VERDICT: #DOTA-ALLSTARS WILL BE TRIED AND CONVICTED OF NUMEROUS CRIMES AGAINST DOTA. THE DOTA POLICE HAS WON ANOTHER VICTORY, WITH LIBERTY AND JUSTICE FOR DOTA.

Three months ago, I neglected any commitment to the outside world to bring you a break-down of the Defense of the Ancients “shitlist”. In-theory, using third-party programs to weed out griefers isn’t bad at all, since Blizzard will never have the balls to do it. No one can argue people against permanent bans when players commit offenses like “FUCK YOU” and “you are a faggot”.

The article got some decent press in the DotA community, and it was clear that my witty and dickish remarks would change the world forever. Or at least that’s how I felt until I was forwarded this two-month-old announcement (requires a forum account to view) from the dota-allstars.com web site:

To address the problem of people ruining TDA games by disconnecting, we have instituted a new policy.

Regardless of player history, all disconnects may now result in the player getting banned. This will be based on a review of the case by one of our replay-analyzers, just as they currently review other leaver complaints.

Cheers,

Trystero

That’s right: Getting disconnected for any reason is a BANNABLE OFFENSE! I wholeheartedly approve the existence of what psychiatrists call the “inferiority complex”. When insecure tweens get a position of power on the internets, it makes my job surprisingly easy. Meanwhile, in what could be considered the largest upset in DotA history, players actually spoke out against the rule. UnholyDonuts, forum moderator and mother of four, was the vanguard defending Trystero’s amazing brain fart. The rule may seem slightly autocratic when it’s planted aside the North Korean penal code, but what do you know? Go back to your “real world” and take your rational sense of behavior with you! Before you do that though, you can take a look at this awesome F.A.Q. I compiled purely out of posts regarding the “one and done” ban above. If you’re allergic to raw awesome, bust out the Benadryl before carrying on.

All Disconnects May Now Result in the Player Getting Banned F.A.Q. v1.0

Q: “wow this is really riggid. I have been in games were a pop up has appeared and by the time I am able to close it and alt tab back in, I get disconnected, silly to think I would get banned out of almost every game because of this. reasons like this make TDA games too high stress, and not really fun to play. But i guess it’s necessary to stop people that pull their plug.”
A: “Fix the pop-ups. If they last long enough for you to get an apparent d/c, then they have to go. Also, you may wanna reformat the hard drive or get more RAM if it really takes that long to tab back in.”

Q: “i dont think the new rule is reasonable. ppl shouldnt be baned due to disconnect. accident always happens. if someone is using others network, n the admin restart the network or do other thing w/o noticing me in advance, so wut can i do???”
A: “Stop using other people’s networks. You need to make sure you have a stable connection, so use one where the admin does not restart the network, or he lets you know in advance.”

Q: “I just got ownt by the policy, gg. 3 week bant for nothing”
A: “Actually, you were banned for having 4 disconnects on the record, at least some of which looked suspicious to the BAM who handled your appeal. The policy mentioned in the first post of this thread discusses plug pulls, not habitual disconnecting.”

Q: “4/380+ games, now i guess thats a really bad record”
A: “3 of them occurred within a month, which indicates a short-term problem. I applied the note for the first disconnect in this time period, and I happen to have a log of my !gamecount request to TDABot. You had 297 games at the time. That’s 3 disconnects in 89 games, which is a pretty high ratio. Around 30% of the games would be ruined if everyone playing TDA games was that likely to disconnect.”

Q: “The most rainy/windy month in my country.”
A: “It’s your responsibility to secure your connection, whether it’s thunderstorms or ISP problems. Avoid playing in bad weather so that you don’t risk disconnecting and ruining games for 9 other people.”

You heard UnholyDonuts: stop living in places that have these silly “weather conditions” and stop ruining his sport!