The Battle.net forums (a.k.a. my only friends) were curious as to why I soured on Nintendo’s E3 showing.  Yes, the ridiculous peripheral that checks your heart rate would’ve been cool about three Trauma Centers ago, but that’s not what annoyed me. Their E3 press conference was headlined by two Mario games, a new Metroid game, and an additional installment of Golden Sun.  I have come to the conclusion that Nintendo marketing has two gears: Franchise necromancy, and “more than a gaming console, it’s a lifestyle”.  The latter is fairly new and hasn’t been tested by history.  However, the former has.  History already told us this approach nearly took Nintendo the grave.

I’ll keep typing this story until carpal tunnel forces me to scream it, at which point I’ll scream it until I lose my voice: In the late 90’s, Nintendo spawned competition from the ashes of a CD-Rom fiascofuck.  When Squaresoft defected, Sony vs. Nintendo turned into Zerg vs. Protoss: An army of few fighting the endless onslaught.  And you know what?  Give Nintendo credit.  They executed their side of the bargain flawlessly.  Ocarina of Time may be the best console game ever, Mario 64 set a high bar for 3-D gaming, Goldeneye was the prelude to America’s infatuation with the console shooter, and Mario Kart 64 became the party game…

…and Sony fucking destroyed them.

An incredible A-list offering couldn’t do it then, and it won’t do it now.

It wasn’t even close.  With a game library that was deep at almost every position, the Playstation would outsell the Nintendo 64 by a three-to-one margin.  For reasons unknown to observers, Nintendo persisted.  The GameCube was a true successor to the Nintendo 64.  But this round, Nintendo botched their first-party offering. Metroid Prime and Super Smash Brothers: Melee were undoubtedly classics, but even Mario had a rough outing.  Their committed fans, half a decade older, made the decision that Nintendo wasn’t growing up with them.  They jumped to the more “mature” experience offered by the Playstation 2, doing their best to find comfort in the most successful gaming console ever.

In 2005, because of these events and decisions taken by Nintendo, the company was gaming’s equivalent of the Democratic Party.  They were dead, they weren’t coming back, and nobody was giving them a chance.  Then, Nintendo’s opponents slipped.  Microsoft unveiled the X-Box Hindenburg, and Sony thought people would pay six-hundred dollars for a product that wasn’t capable of cold fusion.  Then Nintendo found its Barry O.  On the heels of a curious controller and a tech demo, Nintendo brought themselves fiscal hope, and change for the consumer.  By 2008, Nintendo’s strategy reclaimed them the throne.  To-date, the three best-selling (Edit: “Best” isn’t the right term for it) games on the Nintendo Wii have accounted for a jaw-dropping eighty-eight million copies sold.  Those three games are Wii Sports, Wii Play, and Wii Fit.

Nintendo transcended their game system into a chic device for the casual consumer.  They did this because waving Mario and Zelda in front of you stopped working about fifteen years ago.  So now, why am I supposed to believe a press conference headlined by the Mario equivalent of LittleBigPlanet is a sign of good things to come?  Nintendo hasn’t proven to me that they’ve been capable of this approach in nearly a dozen years, and nothing indicates they can pull it off now.

Why’s PC gaming dying, or so you’ve heard?  Go watch Microsoft’s E3 presentation, and you can find out.  Yesterday, I watched the biggest computer software company in the world, makers of the dominant home computer operating system, dedicate an hour-and-a-half to the X-Box 360.  During this time, a concerted effort was made to pretend the home computer did not exist.  Remember how World Cyber Games: Ultimate Gamer, the show designed to advertise a PC gaming competition, pit players in the ultimate test of competitive console gaming?  Minus Amy and Chelsea explaining how they defied the odds without access to a keyboard and mouse, Microsoft pulled the E3 equivalent.

Yo, what happened to this?

Pre-presentation, I saw G4 laud the 360 as “the proven king of online multiplayer gaming, with over  17 million users online”.  (Not that World of Warcraft doesn’t cover more than half of that on its own, and that online console gaming is seen as a bit of a joke in the rest of the world.)  I got to see “world premieres” of Modern Warfare 2, Alan Wake, Splinter Cell: Conviction, and Left 4 Dead 2.  When commenting on these PC/360 releases, a Microsoft rep noted that “[y]ou’ve just seen an incredible lineup of exclusive games for the X-Box 360.”  Afterwards, I was told that I had seen “[t]he experience evolved with X-Box 360, the first console to deliver high-definition graphics, online gaming, and a social entertainment network.  All in one box.”

This happened over a decade ago.  It was called “I hooked my computer into the fucking internet”.

It’s bad enough that game developers have perpetrated the biggest lie of this generation, that gaming consoles are the last frontier for high-end graphics.  It’s bad enough that PC franchises are being rebooted (i.e. dumbed down) for console gamers.  Now, Microsoft just provided the most compelling argument for conspiracy theorists who believe the game business is deliberately sabotaging PC gaming.  Thanks for shitting in my mouth, Microsoft.  In the event the console gaming business fizzles out for you, don’t be surprised if this comes back to bite you in the ass.