The first episode of The Tester was a Cerebus of crazy, a reality television show pining against its self-interests. This twisted attempt to merge Serious Business™ with multi-dozen-dollar production values is proof my math class lied.  One plus one actually equals fucking boring.

Don’t pin it on (picture credit to Joystiq) the contestants.  Minus Ciji (going by the name Star, playing the “I’m the best, believe it!” card), the contestants don’t get a modicum to express themselves beyond a one-layer gimmick.  Amped is a cheerleading coach.  Luge has a Brooklyn accent.  Doc is the lovable fatty.  Where World Cyber Games: Ultimate Gamer established the insanity to come, we know two things about The Tester’s crew: Affirmative action won the day, and two contestants will be eliminated in the next thirty minutes.

But one particular incident stuck out.

The basis for the first challenge pulls from the newspaper: “What’s the difference between these two pictures?”  In a “What skills do you need to be a game tester?” way, it actually makes a bit of sense.  The problem?  Every contestant tears apart the same police lineup.  The Tester tears out your heart by forcing you to watch all of it.  With the segment on life support, Doc brings a change of pace by cracking a joke, stating the picture of a dinner table is making him hungry.  Minutes later, the panelists eviscerate him for not taking the challenge seriously.  What an example to set on a reality show: Personality will not be tolerated here.

The only television I regularly watch is The Daily Show and The Soup.  Both of these shows mock what television is and what passes for it.  I can barely watch television judged to be the class of its genre.  What chance do you have of getting me to watch The Tester on its own merit?  So uh…yeah.  For all I care, this show can launch itself to the heights of reality television.  When it gets there, it can jump off and kill itself.  I have no interest in watching an infomercial that combines Double Dare with military bootcamp.

This is how bad the economy sucks:

Sony has revealed the contestants that will compete for a spot as a game tester on The Tester, a reality show on PlayStation Network.

The company held an open casting call last September, and on Thursday it revealed the 11 contestants, who range in age from 22 to 36. In addition to the contract with Sony, players are competing for a $5,000 “signing bonus.”

The show, hosted by Meredith Molinari, is produced in collaboration with 51 Minds, creator of The Surreal Life and Rock of Love.  Over the course of eight episodes, the contestants will compete in physical and mental challenges.

Yes: Ten human beings (and Ciji) are competing for five-thousand dollars and the RIGHT to earn a career in gaming’s entry-level soul-crusher.

I can only think of one way hypothetical scenario where this could ever be topped:

Starcraft fan site Teamliquid.net has revealed that American professional gamer Greg “IdrA” Fields will star in his own reality show.

Few details have been revealed about the nine-episode mini-series, but anonymous sources claim the show will follow a set formula: He will argue with people on the internet while simultaneously playing Starcraft.  He will “alt-tab” to discover his “base” has been overrun.  He then calls the opponent a hacker and punches a hole in a wall.

“We had a much different concept for the show with an actual plot structure, but he did this about eight or nine times and then the producers ran out of film,” the anonymous source said.

But hey, I suppose a redux of World Cyber Games: Ultimate Gamer is a solid consolation prize.

This week’s episode:
The Ultimate Showdown
(If you’re from outside the States, you can always torrent the episode. Unfortunately, the World Cyber Games is throwing every episode onto Hulu, presumably to keep the international audience from laughing at the game selection.)

Previous Episode Guides:
“The Gauntlet”
“Sink or Swim”
“Things Get Explosive”
“Move it or Lose It”
“Shut up and Drive”
“Kicking and Screaming”
“Are You Ready to Rock?”

3:14 – Damn you, Mark!  Damn you to hell!  How dare you achieve more kills than Jamal, thereby knocking him out of a video game competition!?  He was the only reason left to enjoy the show!  *sobs*

6:07 – Robert: “You know, I guess we deserve to be back in there one last time.” In mankind’s history, how many times has that been preceded by “Twenty-four hours of gaming non-stop”?  Remember when becoming famous involved writing a great novel or starting a revolution?  We may need to return to that soon.

7:16 – How cute, Robert.  How cute, Mark.  Your significant others have come to attend your grand showdown.  Here’s a spoiler: They were watching you masturbate.

8:03 – Robert: “She actually apologized.  She…never supported pro gaming.  Now, she’s gonna be proven the fact that pro gaming, you can be very successful.” Uh, you didn’t win yet.  You’re one loss away from an uncomfortable descent back to irrelevance.  That’s a definite.
9:45 – Robert’s mom: “Just think positive.  And if you don’t win…be happy anyway…because you’re already a winner, you know that baby.  You will win the right to sleep in the garbage, along with the rest of the garbage.”

11:01 – Joel: “You’ll be playing: A fighting game, Soul Calibur 4.”  Alright, not terrible, not great.  Virtua Fighter 5 proved compelling…
11:07 – “Sports game: Shaun White Snowboarding.”  Damnit!!!
11:11 – “And a shooter game: Gears of War 2.” Oh, come on.  The show is already trying to give Halo demigod status.  I’ve already written Joel’s lines: “You will play a strategy game.  A console game.  And a PC game.  Those games are: Halo Wars, Halo 3, and Halo for the PC.”

12:43 –Yes, they brought back the entire cast!  If you have a thing for Alyson, here’s your final chance at an immoral victory!

(more…)

This week’s episode:
The Gauntlet
(If you’re from outside the States, you can always torrent the episode. Unfortunately, the World Cyber Games is throwing every episode onto Hulu, presumably to keep the international audience from laughing at the game selection.)

Previous Episode Guides:
“Sink or Swim”
“Things Get Explosive”
“Move it or Lose It”
“Shut up and Drive”
“Kicking and Screaming”
“Are You Ready to Rock?”

3:05 – Chelsea: “I’m gonna win this competition, cause I am the Ultimate Gamer.  I mean, you pulled a PC gamer into this house and told her to pick up an X-Box, pick up a controller, and I’m still here.” And that’s why nobody is giving you a shot.  The skill set is apples to oranges, and it doesn’t matter that apples are for noobs.  You’re completely out of your element.

5:25 – “You guys will be playing Asphalt 4 on this mobile phone.” Honestly, competitive mobile gaming?  Who cares about mobile phones?  Oh, that’s right:
5:28 – THE SAMSUNG AD PLACEMENT ROBOT HAS DETECTED SAMSUNG AD PLACEMENT
5:36 - THE SAMSUNG AD PLACEMENT ROBOT HAS DETECTED SAMSUNG AD PLACEMENT
5:39 - THE SAMSUNG AD PLACEMENT ROBOT IS OVERHEATING, MELTDOWN IMMINENT

5:32 – “Asphalt 4 brings the excitement of an arcade-style racing game straight to your mobile phone.  The game allows multiple players to compete simultaneously using your phone’s bluetooth connection.”
6:05-6:19 – In selling me the excitement of Asphalt 4, you edited a two-minute race into fourteen seconds of illogical footage.  I’m beginning to understand why this game doesn’t have a Wikipedia page.

6:54 - Jamal: “I was a shoo-in to win this ‘cause they know that I’m the best all-around gamer there is in the world.” Every time one of the contestants claims they’re the best gamer in the world, Jang Jae Ho, Lim Yo Hwan, and Ma-Jae Yoon all die inside.  All you need to know is that they’re South Koreans, and you probably figured that out by looking at their names.

7:02 – Joel: “Soon you will be put to the ultimate test called The Gauntlet™.  The Gauntlet™ is an intense series of gaming challenges where you will play games like never before.  When it’s done, only two of you will remain.” The ultimate test of gaming?  You mean they’re finally going to play Starcraft?

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This week’s episode:
“Sink or Swim”
(If you’re from outside the States, you can always torrent the episode. Unfortunately, the World Cyber Games is throwing every episode onto Hulu, presumably to keep the international audience from laughing at the game selection.)

Previous Episode Guides:
“Things Get Explosive”
“Move it or Lose It”
“Shut up and Drive”
“Kicking and Screaming”
“Are You Ready to Rock?”

3:10 – Ciji: “I discussed with Amy the situation that happened between Mark and I, and…she told me I should talk to Mark.  The thing that pissed me off the most is that I asked him this morning, I was like, ‘So what’s going on?’  Like, I need to you know, because like, you did kiss me, and then now…it’s back to like, it never happened.  And I just need to know how I need to react to this.  So when had I confronted him about it, he’s just like, ‘Oh, we’re just friends.’”  Here’s the problem, Ciji: At worst, Mark is a lovable, womanizing dumbass.  At best, Mark is a lovable, womanizing, enjoyable-to-be-around dumbass.  I couldn’t find room to root against the kid if he was selling crack.
5:28 – Excellent work, Robert.  During the most awkward moment in the entire series, you found room to crack a smile.  I commend you.

5:55 – Hannah: “So, you are on a basketball court, because your next game is NBA Live 09.”  Unless you have money on it, or the loser is supposed to get slammed, sports games are not very interesting to watch.  “Go play basketball if you want to play basketball” holds fairly true (unless it’s NBA Street Volume 2, an absolutely badass video game).  Sports games appeal to the Defense of the Ancients crowd, where memorizing numbers and knowing the controls is ninety percent of the battle.  Fuck DotA.
6:02 – Joel: “NBA Live 09 is the most realistic basketball video game to date.  It’s so realistic, that when it came time to choose sports games for the World Cyber Games, we put NBA2K9 up for voting instead!”

6:24 – Hannah: “Now, for this week’s real-life challenge, you not only have to play like a pro, you gotta look like a one, too.”
6:42 – Eh, beats some of the things that the Europeans wear.
6:55 – Jamal, you are a modern-day Greg Ostertag, in that you are the reason the Utah Jazz lost the NBA Finals two years in a row.

7:26 – Hannah: “Today you will be put to the test in a dunking contest.”
7:37 – Hannah: “Excited, Swoozie?”
Swoozie: “A little bit, yeah.”
(You already made your own “black guy” joke, so I don’t need to do it, right?)

(more…)

This week’s episode:
“Things Get Explosive”
(If you’re from outside the States, you can always torrent the episode. Unfortunately, the World Cyber Games is throwing every episode onto Hulu, presumably to keep the international audience from laughing at the game selection.)

Previous Episode Guides:
“Move it or Lose It”
“Shut up and Drive”
“Kicking and Screaming”
“Are You Ready to Rock?”

3:09 – Chelsea: “This morning, for the real-life challenge, we did it a little different this time. Immediately, we were blindfolded.”
3:20 – Swoozie: “We were split up randomly into our groups, in the car I had no idea who was sitting next to me, I had no idea who was driving…it was pretty scary.”
3:47 – Hannah: “This week’s game is Halo 3.” Now I can see why they blindfolded the contestants.

4:00 – Joel: “Halo 3 is the biggest-selling X-Box 360 title of all-time. In Halo, players compete as teams using futuristic weapons to get more kills than their opponents.” Here’s my honest take on Halo: It is the perennial division leader in the AFC West of video game genres, the console first-person shooter. Two problems:
1) If you live outside the States and don’t get the football reference, relax: By nature of being someone other than an American, you don’t give a shit about Halo, anyway.
2) It only stands out because it’s not direct competition for Half-Life, Unreal Tournament, Counter-Strike, Team Fortress, Left 4 Dead, and dozens of quality PC shooters.
It’s no killer app, but it’s certainly a decent shooter.  Tell you right now though, that’s much more credit than the PC crowd is prepared to give it.

4:33 – Amy: “All we knew was we were playing paintball. And then I see who’s with me, and it’s Chelsea, Ciji, and Mark, and my initial reaction was, ‘Oh my God, all three girls on paintball.’” Alright already, I get the message of the show: Girls suck at everything they do.

5:34 – Dante: “A cup, really?” Heheh, I’ll skip the easy joke.

5:45 - Jamal: “The girls are going to have issues, and normally girls don’t get along together when they’re trying to work together.” Alright, new drinking game: Whenever a contestant bashes on the fairer sex, take a drink. If it’s one of the girls, chug.

6:39 – Robert: “You know, the funny thing is, I actually did what I do in Halo, I tend to rush a lot.”
6:49 – And that, my friends, is why they call this the real-life challenge. Rushing only works in real life if you’re the Germans, and they’re the French.

(more…)

This week’s episode:
“Move It or Lose it”
(If you’re from outside the States, you can always torrent the episode.  Unfortunately, the World Cyber Games is throwing every episode onto Hulu, presumably to keep the international audience from laughing at the game selection.)

Previous Episode Guides:
“Shut up and Drive”
“Kicking and Screaming”
“Are You Ready to Rock?”

Pregame Notice: These episode names suck ass.  If Dante can wake up in the morning and muster significant energy to tend to that ridiculous haircut, you can come up with something better than the combined efforts of various Google searches.  What’s next, a Halo episode entitled “Things Get Explosive”?

2:33 – Jamal:  “When I first walked in the house I kind of felt like, dejected.  They didn’t want me to come through the door, none of them really did.”  Don’t worry, Jamal.  I wanted you to come through that door.  I know what it’s like to be one of the most average gamers in the room, and then walk out the most hated.

3:13 – Jamal: “I’d just like to let you guys knows what kind of player Dante is.  The other day, he approached three of us, and asked to have an alliance.  Also, he admitted to me that he was the one who shit in Chelsea’s bag.  He then said to me, and I quote: ‘This story Jamal is telling right now is 100 percent true.’  I didn’t know what he meant at the time, but as I stand here and tell this story, I now do.”

3:56 – Dante:  “Why would I want you in [any alliance]?  Honestly, that shows you you’re lying right there.”  Finally, man!  It took four weeks, but you showed some actual backbone!

5:14 – Clubbin’!?  Augh!  Why do bad things happen when I watch this show…
6:36 – …and why do worse things happen when I continue to watch?

7:26 – Congratulations, asshat: We are about to watch nine gamers embarrass themselves in a dance contest, and your scarf is the goofiest part of this segment.

7:41 – Hannah: “You’re gonna come up on stage of groups of three.  When the music starts, show us what you got!”
8:34 – Okay, I cannot imagine I am the only person who saw this:

And immediately thought this:

(more…)

I’m back.  Let’s get this shit goin’!

This week’s episode:
“Shut Up and Drive”
(If you’re from outside the States, you can always torrent the episode.  Unfortunately, the World Cyber Games is throwing every episode onto Hulu, presumably to keep the international audience from laughing at the game selection.)

Previous Episode Guides:
“Kicking and Screaming”
“Are You Ready to Rock?”

2:13 – The show’s first line, courtesy of Alyson: “I feel all stressed-out right now.  I don’t know if it’s because I’m just feeling stressed or because of Amy and Kelly.”  To understand how ridiculous this statement is, substitute any other adjective: “I feel tired right now.  I don’t know if it’s because I’m feeling tired.”  Well, barring a foreign policy speech from Robert, there’s no place to go from here but up!  “We’re staying the course in Iraq.  That’s a definite.”

2:43 – A sympathetic Chelsea, upon Amy’s arrival: “Geoff, I’m so sorry.”
2:58 – An ecstatic Chelsea, upon Amy’s arrival: “Oh God, I’m so happy.”
There is one of two possibilities here: Chelsea is either the most cunning reality show participant of all-time, or she is the “Wow, a blue car!” of reality television, a female superhero with the attention deficit disorder of ten men.

3:15 – Aw, come on, Geoff.  There’s no crying in e-sports!  You’re the most normal and intelligent person on the show!  Stop ruining it for you and me!

4:13 – Dante: “Jamal is one of the most pathetic people I’ve ever met in my life…I can’t explain how much I despise that man.”  And that’s the problem: You can’t explain how much you despise the man.  Every time Jamal makes an ass of you, you sit there and take it.  “Jamal, I’m blinded by your hate.  Thankfully, it’s keeping me from seeing how truly bad you are at video games.”  How hard is that, Dante?  Say something!

4:22-4:26 – First person to send me that segment as an animated .gif gets my eternal love.  The picture above does not capture its brilliance.

(more…)

The adventures continue!

This week’s episode:
“Kicking and Screaming”
(If you’re from outside the States, you can always torrent the episode.  Unfortunately, the World Cyber Games has yet to give this episode a place on YouTube.)

Previous Episode Guides:
“Are You Ready to Rock?”

1:27 – 1:54: I’m going on the record: The new World Cyber Games theme song is ointment compared to the old shtick.  Gotta catch ‘em all!

2:01 – It’s obvious JD’s jock persona wasn’t welcome in a gamer pad, but Robert gets a crowd pop on his return?  Man, Hitler would have gotten a welcome reception.  “Adolf, I’m so happy to see you again, great work beating JD.  Who cares if you hack to ‘get back at the Jews’?  You won the Elimination Chamber without cheating.”

2:15 – Adande: “Was the stage set up, what does it look like?
Robert: “Dude, you just feel like a star.  Like it’s ridiculous.  It’s every gamer’s dream.  I guarantee that.”
And stuff.  It’s ridiculous.  And stuff.

3:50 – Real-life challenge time!  Great job keeping me guessing.  The location is gritty, rusty, and there’s not a semblance of color anywhere.  This could be any Playstation 3 game!

4:21 – Joel Gourdin: “Virtua Fighter 5 is a 3-D fighting game where players use real-world fighting skills to physically take down their opponents.”  The montage cuts to the game’s Lucha Libre representative employing a hurricanrana.  That’s my problem with the Ultimate Fighting Championship.  Who cares about joint locks?  Pro wrestlers never tap out to that weak shit.  Brock Lesnar only tapped to a kneebar because Vince McMahon paid him off.  Fedor, you may be the “baddest man on the planet”, but until I get a corkscrew plancha out of you, you’re hardly the most complete fighter.

5:00 – Our real-life competition is a combination of karate and “I dare you to cross this line!”  Sounds like a barfight at three in the morning.  Can we get a redo?  I like that idea.

6:15 – Dante: “We look over and we realize it’s like, ninety percent girls on that team.  We’ve got this in the bag, it’s already done.”  What gives, dude?  This is the second time in two shows that you’ve totally buried the fairer sex?  Are you jealous some girls sport longer hair than you? I’m calling a mulligan on this one.  Swoozie made the comment.  You win this battle, Dante!

7:07 – Dante: “I have a martial arts background and I believe I’m the most physically-fit.  I mean, look at all the rest of the people that are here.”
7:19 – And Dante’s first straight punch of the challenge is a cross between a clothesline and a fat dude slipping on a Dance Dance Revolution pad.

(more…)

Did you hear?  Tuesday was opening night for World Cyber Games Ultimate Gamer!  It’s the reality show where twelve accomplished gamers attempt to master a variety of genres.  The winner gets 100,000 dollars and a spot at 2009’s World Cyber Games.  Since the WCG was nice enough to YouTube the episode, I’ve supplied annotations!

Episode 1: “Are You Ready to Rock?”

0:02 – Narrator: “Tonight, an epic battle begins.”  With Los Angeles in the background, we can assume this is the first reality show where twelve teens try to keep a state from going bankrupt.

2:03 – And our player synopsis begins with Adande “sWooZie” Thorne, a “national Dead or Alive 4 champion”.  Adande wants you to know “[t]here’s a misconception about gamers… a stereotype that guy that’s locked in his basement, still lives with his mom.”  Hey, easy with the subtle humor…I’m working on getting out of the place.  Unemployment is ten percent where I live!  What do you want me to do!?  I’m trying!!!

2:18 – Up next is Ciji “StarSlay3r” Thornton, rocking a fashion style somewhere between ‘unapologetically emo’ and ‘I’m an attention whore’.  “I’m here because of my daughter…she’s the reason I’ve tried so hard to be a good gamer.”  The single parents who make ends meet by working two jobs will be thrilled with that.  Fortunately for you, they are working two jobs and don’t have time to watch this show.

2:27 – And here’s our competitor with World Cyber Games experience, Geoff “iNcontroL” Robinson.  “To be the spokesperson, the representative, would be a tremendous opportunity.”  I guess we’re pretending your prompt 2007 elimination never happened?

2:38 – Amy “Athena” Brady, co-founder of Pandora’s Mighty Soldiers, says: “I really want a female to be crowned the world’s best gamer, I think that would be huge for female gaming.”  I respect your accomplishments, but the “world’s best gamer” claim is a crock.  America has the aforementioned “locked in his basement” stereotype.  The South Koreans don’t.  They didn’t earn the “gaming gods” stereotype because the Jews wanted to shed a label.  You win a tournament in Seoul?  Girls want your dick.  That doesn’t happen here.

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