Blizzard wants Starcraft II to turn American e-sport into something more than a middle-aged compulsive popping quarters into a Pac-Man machine.  Starcraft already won over South Korea, and there’s little debate in whether the franchise boasts compelling high-level play.  Like countless before it, Starcraft II will be America’s professional gaming savior.

The game’s chances are too perfect.  As a game that simulates war, it can easily be compared to American football.  The original Starcraft sold four million units in the States.  As “the makers of World of Warcraft”, Blizzard will outdo those numbers.  The company has shown every indication they’ll back the game’s competitive aspect, and have limitless resources to get it done.  Previous ventures like the Championship Gaming Series lacked the balls to make the financial investment.  Well, what stronger backing than the game’s creators?

Sadly, there’s a reason Major League Gaming boasts Halo 3 as the crown jewel.  The organization accounted for the most compelling argument against Starcraft II’s viability as an American e-sport: Americans are some of the dumbest creatures going, and they’re proud of it.

Nothing wrong with being stupid.  No matter what part of the planet you throw a dart at, you’ll find stupid people.  However, there’s something special to be said about a country that ostracizes intelligence and disowns any competitive game they fall behind in.

Remember Bobby Fischer?  The one-man army who stood up to the Soviet chess machine?  We gave him God status for reasons beyond “commie basher”: He’s the only legendary chess player this country has built in fifty years.  His legacy of making American children want to learn the game of chess?  The world superpower with a population of 304 million boasts four of FIDE’s top 100 players, putting us on par with juggernauts like Armenia, Azerbaijan, and Hungary.

And if there’s one thing Americans won’t accept, it’s watching a game where the world kicks their ass.  We only care about soccer when we’re up on Brazil in the second half, and gave up on tennis when Sampras and Agassi ceded the torch to Nadal and Federer.  That means we won’t tolerate a Starcraft where the most prominent American is better known for his bad attitude than his macro-heavy Terran.  We won’t settle for a Warcraft III where GosuGamers’ highest-ranked American stands 75th. And if Americans quickly find a losing battle against the Korean e-sport war machine, it’ll do more damage to the product’s chances than a crappy matchmaking system or a broken balance patch.

Two years back, I huddled some friends for fun with the X-Box 360 port of Doom, a game I consider the cream of the medium.  Their experience with shooters was mostly Halo, currently fighting a tight battle with Call of Duty for “face of the genre”.  The words most consistent in coming out of their mouths: “This game is so fast.”  Having first played the Doom series when I was eight, I could only think “No, this game is not fast.  Halo is slow.”

Sunday’s entry was the story of a franchise (Team Fortress) earning accessibility by not only sacrificing gameplay, but the element of speed.  As other genres satiate the best players by becoming faster, adding more notes, and throwing more bullets at the player, what the hell happened to the first-person shooter?

No wonder pro gaming can’t get off its ass in the United States.  This country has a gun fetish.  It loves war.  Today, the most popular shooters simulate war.  War requires teamwork.  And guess what?  Teamwork doesn’t sell tickets.  Superheroes do.  And the pace of games like Halo have become Kryptonite for world-class gamers.

I am a carry-over from an era where Doom said “cover is for pussies”.  That evolved into Quake and Unreal Tournament, half-shooter, half-gymnastics simulation.  Those evasive maneuvers have been replaced by “get behind the wall, you noob!”

If you want to blame any one game for this, the answer is beautifully ironic.  It was Doom 3.

Yeah, Halo was the coming-out party for the console shooter, but ID Software is the undisputed father of the genre.  Set in code, they declared the first-person shooter a genre where reloading weapons was for bitches, that dozens of beasts would simultaneously fail to cut you down.  And then Doom 3, thanks to the Duct Tape Reduction Act of 2184, was pure darkness chugging at eight frames a second.

So much for “cover is for pussies”.  Maybe I should go order Painkiller.  I’ll be back later.

It’s ironic that distinct styles of any game (ala baseball and cricket) can emerge in the age of globalization, but the blood feud between Blizzard and the Korean E-Sport Association is primed for such an event.  It would be an understatement to say the next twenty-four months are critical in shaping professional gaming’s history.

Recap: At South Korea’s eStars 2009 gaming event, the top Warcraft III player (Jang Jae Ho, a.k.a. Spirit_Moon) and the most accomplished Starcraft player (Lee Yun-Yeol, a.k.a. NaDa) battled in Starcraft II; “The Fifth Race” versus a three-time Starleague champion, competing disciplines colliding in the game of the future.  Initially, KESPA merely prohibited under-contract talent (sans NaDa) from competing in the night’s exhibition matches.  Now, it turns out KESPA used their clout to keep the games off television.

Will the future of professional Starcraft include the founding father?

The prevailing sentiment is that KESPA needs to go fuck themselves, and that they need to keep their grubby hands out of the game.  It’s not that simple.

I originally believed Blizzard’s omission of LAN functionality was a shot at Garena and others, the heavy players in the piracy of Blizzard games.  After discussing the matter with e-friends, I’ve concluded Blizzard is thinking ahead: The removal of LAN is also designed to consolidate control of the professional Starcraft II scene.  We’re potentially looking at an era in competitive gaming where the inventor of the sport becomes the marketing machine for its own product.

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Earlier this morning, Lee Yun-Yeol (NaDa) and Jang Jae Ho (Moon) played the bestest, most awesomest Starcraft II game of all-time.  Too bad nobody saw it.

Starcraft II: Where I Can’t Tell What’s Going On, They May Be Playing Super Metroid Happens

Yup.  Someone put the kibosh on a Moon/NaDa live stream.  Minus two minutes of cameraphone footage that might as well been scrambled porn, no footage of the matches has surfaced.  As the contestants fought to a 1-1 draw, I grabbed my Moon plush doll and cried myself to sleep.  When I awoke to Google for the culprit, I found a curious tidbit: Sans NaDa, KESPA (the Korean E-Sport Association) barred other Starcraft talent from competing in the night’s exhibition matches.

(Remember eighteen months ago, when the Starcraft fan base threw a hissy-fit over multiple-building selection?  And they used Korean pro gamers as their star witness?  And I explained that people would be opposed to a core game mechanic that threatens their ability to play video games for money?  Yup.  Nothing’s changed!)

Let’s speculate: Professional Starcraft, no matter how trivial in the course of human events, is a business.  In the event Starcraft II sparks a boom for e-sports in the Western World, KESPA will become the gaming equivalent of the Ultimate Fighting Championship.  For those of you who don’t follow the UFC’s business practices, Dana White is the perfect asshole to run that company.  In video game news, the company told potential UFC fighters that if they signed on for EA’s mixed martial arts game, they would never work for the company.  Not long before, Jon Fitch was fired by the UFC (though subsequently rehired) because he would not grant the company lifetime rights to use his likeness in the company’s future games.

The UFC is the company at the head of a boom with room for more than one competitor.  They are a business that touts boxing as a “dying sport” and proceeds to pay their main-event talent far less than main-event boxers earn. To date, there has been no mention of forming a union for the fighters.  On the other side, KESPA is an organization that makes its meal ticket from Starcraft.  In the event that Starcraft II is the e-sports revolution, there will be room for more than one competitor.  KESPA oversees a salary structure where B-Team players are lucky to earn 30,000 dollars a year.  The gamers do not have a union, either.  And when I hear this organization prohibited its talent from playing Starcraft II exhibition matches, what would you like me to think?

You would be insane to believe KESPA is looking at Starcraft II and would not go underhanded in order to preserve their product.  Salaries are stable and their market share is good.  Do you think they want to fight a bidding war with Major League Gaming and threaten the stability of a scene the South Koreans have a monopoly on?

Yeah, I’m running a lot of speculation through the filter.  But at best, we just had the first dream match of Starcraft II’s young future played without a single camera rolling.  And when you can’t get a straight story on the surrounding events, and you want to convince me that this is the competitive game of the future, this isn’t a good start.

July 24th: Two inexperienced players will play an incomplete build of a new video game, and finally determine whether Warcraft or Starcraft is the better combat system.

Korean websites report that professional WarCraft 3 player Jang Jae “Moon” Ho will lock horns with StarCraft professional Lee Yun “NaDa” Yeol in a StarCraft 2 match during eStars Seoul 2009.

GosuGamers reported yesterday that the venue of eStars Seoul will hold the very first StarCraft 2 hands-on in Korea. Aside from a very entertaining Heritage Tournament with Korean StarCraft professional starlets, the crowd at eStars Seoul will witness a clash between some of the absolute top players from the two disciples.

NaDa is one of the most accomplished StarCraft professionals in Korea and the fix star of WeMade FOX. A small selection of his trophies include three OnGameNet Starleague championships.

Moon has won numerous titles in the WarCraft 3 world, among them MBCGame Prime League 2 and 3, World E-Sports Games Season 1 and 2, ESWC Masters of Paris and many more which has made him the most earned WarCraft 3 player in the world.

If you don’t follow Warcraft III, Jang Jae Ho is the man.  Known as Spirit_Moon, nicknamed “The Fifth Race”, he is the only man to open a game with Archers and finish his opponent with Siege Engines.  Quite simply, dude can ball.  And now, he has the chance to become something bigger.

Last Saturday, former professional wrestler Brock Lesnar unified the UFC Heavyweight Championship with a brutal ass-kicking.  To reward the Vegas crowd for their chorus of boos, Lesnar gave the crowd the finger, and explained how his opponent (the hometown hero) had a horseshoe up his ass and got beat with it.  By invoking professional wrestling’s craft for a ninety-second post-fight interview, the professional wrestler became the biggest draw in pay-per-view today.  “Did you see what that asshole did?  Man, I sure would pay to see him get his ass kicked!”

And next Friday, Warcraft III’s most accomplished player will showcase his unparalleled creativity to an audience unfamiliar with his craft.  Who the fuck does he think he is?  Nada’s done it all.  He’s the fucking man.  Moon’s gonna find out Starcraft is a man’s game, not that pussy Warcraft III shit.

Sadly, that’s what many Starcraft players think.  Fortunately, it’ll make for good television.

This week, there’s been an uproar about Nintendo’s new “demo play” mode, which will first be featured New Super Mario Brothers Wii.  It’s simple: Suck at video games?  The game can now play difficult sections for you.

In an exclusive interview with Mario creator Shigeru Miyamoto, the legendary game designer confirmed this optional feature called “demo play” (tentative name) is something the development team has been working on.

“In New Super Mario Bros. Wii, if a player is experiencing an area of difficulty, this will allow them to clear troubled areas and take over when they’re ready” confirmed Miyamoto, through his translator. “And yes, we’re looking into this for future games, too” Miyamoto says.

It’s as much an ethical quandary as video games can have: Should games play themselves?  Unsurprisingly, this spurred an uptick in “good ol’ days” bullshit, since “demo play” is a symbolic statement for modern game pussification.  Lore Sjoberg made a modest proposal in his tongue-in-cheek experience with the Wii-Ware download of Super Mario Brothers 2:

Every game, in addition to the standard easy, medium and expert modes, must have a “1988 mode.” In 1988 mode, you don’t get to save the game, ever. If you lose, you start over from the beginning of the game. Every hit from an enemy reduces your hit points by 25 percent, minimum. Extra lives and hit points are tough to come by, not handed out like Mardi Gras beads to bosomy exhibitionists.

This applies to all games, not just shooters and platformers and the like. Lose against the big boss in an RPG? Hey, guess what, you’re Level 1 again and townsfolk are going to remind you to press X to pick things up. Flub “Painkiller” in Rock Band 2? Time to start over with “Eye of the Tiger.”

Only those who complete a game in 1988 mode get to call themselves “hard-core.” Everyone else, from tourney winners to Minesweeper addicts, is a “casual gamer.” Gotta draw the line somewhere.

Of course, this sort of talk spurs retro gamers from the floodgates, reminiscing on their past life as a gaming badass.  Unless they’re quoting the Angry Video Game Nerd (or ther internet personalities I stole the concept of “swearing” from), you’ll never once hear a game was hard because the gameplay sucked.  No, you’ll hear “Man, that game was so hard!  It took me nine years, and it was frustrating as hell, but I finally beat it!  These Halo noobs could never hang with this!”

I’m tired of explaining it, so let’s drop the hammer.

Dance Dance Revolution features an arcade-style “Oni” mode where the player gets three lives.  Every time he scores below “Great” on a step, he or she loses a life.  Run out, you lose.  This may be more difficult than playing the chosen songs with a normal life bar, but it’s no more challenging, because you are utilizing the same skills and playing the exact same notes.

Gaming has become more challenging over the last twenty years.  Over the same period of time, they’ve become less difficult for gamers as a whole.  I consider that a very good thing.

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Ask the typical American about their competitive gaming knowledge.  It’ll probably be limited to Steve Wiebe, Billy Mitchell, and that friend who owns you at Guitar Hero because he beat Freebird on Expert.  The scoring systems in Guitar Hero and Donkey Kong require no context.  If I double your score, my dick is twice as large as yours.  That’s their appeal: If you want to prove yourself against a world record, all you need to do is find the game, play it, and quickly discover you have no chance in hell.

When Mitchell and Wiebe fight for a Donkey Kong score, people respect their ability, or view them as circus freaks.  In both cases, the audience moves on with their life and doesn’t give it a second thought.  Golden Age games are a bonafide test of skill, but one only watches another play them when they’re waiting in life.  They’re fuck-boring to watch.  But games built on a “high score” mentality have a superficial mainstream appeal.  That’s why Activision is in the rumor mill for a Guitar Hero television show, even after the Rock Band show defied physics by bombing so badly no one noticed a thing.  Ultimate Gamer was the closest thing to a real look at competitive gaming, but that show lied to itself.  It was an all-console-gaming reality show designed to sell a PC gaming competition.

Meanwhile, proven competitive games languish.  They only have the weight of their own fan base to appeal to gamers.  Starcraft is that one movie (I’m sure this has been done) where people kick the shit out of each other with their minds.  It’s the closest thing competitive gaming has to American football.  It’s offense, defense, ball control, strategy, and risk-taking.  Unfortunately, Americans haven’t grown up playing and watching Starcraft since they were four.  When the New York Times whipped up an article on the newly-founded college Starcraft league, their barometer for ability wasn’t the amazing range of skills required to play the game.  It came in the form of “clicky clicky”.

Peter Liu, a junior and chemistry major who was doing live commentary with Zhang, said he could manage 200 A.P.M., or actions per minute (an action is any keyboard or mouse click). “My fingers get sore,” said Liu, a Protoss. Professional South Korean players have 400 to 500 A.P.M.’s.

It’s the high score implication: The higher your APM, the better you are at Starcraft.  I don’t fault the Times for dumbing it down, but the average Starcraft player knows this is bullshit.  The perception of “if it can’t be explained in a score, I don’t care” needs to change.  If Blizzard has serious interest in making competitive Starcraft their meal ticket, they need to change the perception.  When Sci-Fi was looking for a pro gaming show Michael Morhaime should have been the first person outside the network’s building.  He should have busted in with a pickaxe and said the following:

“Looking for a pro gaming show? My company made Starcraft.  The South Koreans love this shit.  Our sequel to this game will be out soon.  Here’s what we want: You guys take some cameras and cover a year of South Korean Starcraft.  I’m an important guy at the world’s largest game developer, so we have lots of money, and we’ll pay you to broadcast the show.  Competitive Starcraft II is gonna have the biggest fucking impact since the dinosaurs were wiped out..  You got that?  Make it work.”

That’s the conscious effort you need.  Until someone changes the message, changes the idea that competitive video game isn’t about the highest score, you’re going to continue having the “next big competitive game” become nothing more than a supplement to the hardcore fans.

This week’s episode:
The Ultimate Showdown
(If you’re from outside the States, you can always torrent the episode. Unfortunately, the World Cyber Games is throwing every episode onto Hulu, presumably to keep the international audience from laughing at the game selection.)

Previous Episode Guides:
“The Gauntlet”
“Sink or Swim”
“Things Get Explosive”
“Move it or Lose It”
“Shut up and Drive”
“Kicking and Screaming”
“Are You Ready to Rock?”

3:14 – Damn you, Mark!  Damn you to hell!  How dare you achieve more kills than Jamal, thereby knocking him out of a video game competition!?  He was the only reason left to enjoy the show!  *sobs*

6:07 – Robert: “You know, I guess we deserve to be back in there one last time.” In mankind’s history, how many times has that been preceded by “Twenty-four hours of gaming non-stop”?  Remember when becoming famous involved writing a great novel or starting a revolution?  We may need to return to that soon.

7:16 – How cute, Robert.  How cute, Mark.  Your significant others have come to attend your grand showdown.  Here’s a spoiler: They were watching you masturbate.

8:03 – Robert: “She actually apologized.  She…never supported pro gaming.  Now, she’s gonna be proven the fact that pro gaming, you can be very successful.” Uh, you didn’t win yet.  You’re one loss away from an uncomfortable descent back to irrelevance.  That’s a definite.
9:45 – Robert’s mom: “Just think positive.  And if you don’t win…be happy anyway…because you’re already a winner, you know that baby.  You will win the right to sleep in the garbage, along with the rest of the garbage.”

11:01 – Joel: “You’ll be playing: A fighting game, Soul Calibur 4.”  Alright, not terrible, not great.  Virtua Fighter 5 proved compelling…
11:07 – “Sports game: Shaun White Snowboarding.”  Damnit!!!
11:11 – “And a shooter game: Gears of War 2.” Oh, come on.  The show is already trying to give Halo demigod status.  I’ve already written Joel’s lines: “You will play a strategy game.  A console game.  And a PC game.  Those games are: Halo Wars, Halo 3, and Halo for the PC.”

12:43 –Yes, they brought back the entire cast!  If you have a thing for Alyson, here’s your final chance at an immoral victory!

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This week’s episode:
The Gauntlet
(If you’re from outside the States, you can always torrent the episode. Unfortunately, the World Cyber Games is throwing every episode onto Hulu, presumably to keep the international audience from laughing at the game selection.)

Previous Episode Guides:
“Sink or Swim”
“Things Get Explosive”
“Move it or Lose It”
“Shut up and Drive”
“Kicking and Screaming”
“Are You Ready to Rock?”

3:05 – Chelsea: “I’m gonna win this competition, cause I am the Ultimate Gamer.  I mean, you pulled a PC gamer into this house and told her to pick up an X-Box, pick up a controller, and I’m still here.” And that’s why nobody is giving you a shot.  The skill set is apples to oranges, and it doesn’t matter that apples are for noobs.  You’re completely out of your element.

5:25 – “You guys will be playing Asphalt 4 on this mobile phone.” Honestly, competitive mobile gaming?  Who cares about mobile phones?  Oh, that’s right:
5:28 – THE SAMSUNG AD PLACEMENT ROBOT HAS DETECTED SAMSUNG AD PLACEMENT
5:36 - THE SAMSUNG AD PLACEMENT ROBOT HAS DETECTED SAMSUNG AD PLACEMENT
5:39 - THE SAMSUNG AD PLACEMENT ROBOT IS OVERHEATING, MELTDOWN IMMINENT

5:32 – “Asphalt 4 brings the excitement of an arcade-style racing game straight to your mobile phone.  The game allows multiple players to compete simultaneously using your phone’s bluetooth connection.”
6:05-6:19 – In selling me the excitement of Asphalt 4, you edited a two-minute race into fourteen seconds of illogical footage.  I’m beginning to understand why this game doesn’t have a Wikipedia page.

6:54 - Jamal: “I was a shoo-in to win this ‘cause they know that I’m the best all-around gamer there is in the world.” Every time one of the contestants claims they’re the best gamer in the world, Jang Jae Ho, Lim Yo Hwan, and Ma-Jae Yoon all die inside.  All you need to know is that they’re South Koreans, and you probably figured that out by looking at their names.

7:02 – Joel: “Soon you will be put to the ultimate test called The Gauntlet™.  The Gauntlet™ is an intense series of gaming challenges where you will play games like never before.  When it’s done, only two of you will remain.” The ultimate test of gaming?  You mean they’re finally going to play Starcraft?

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This week’s episode:
“Sink or Swim”
(If you’re from outside the States, you can always torrent the episode. Unfortunately, the World Cyber Games is throwing every episode onto Hulu, presumably to keep the international audience from laughing at the game selection.)

Previous Episode Guides:
“Things Get Explosive”
“Move it or Lose It”
“Shut up and Drive”
“Kicking and Screaming”
“Are You Ready to Rock?”

3:10 – Ciji: “I discussed with Amy the situation that happened between Mark and I, and…she told me I should talk to Mark.  The thing that pissed me off the most is that I asked him this morning, I was like, ‘So what’s going on?’  Like, I need to you know, because like, you did kiss me, and then now…it’s back to like, it never happened.  And I just need to know how I need to react to this.  So when had I confronted him about it, he’s just like, ‘Oh, we’re just friends.’”  Here’s the problem, Ciji: At worst, Mark is a lovable, womanizing dumbass.  At best, Mark is a lovable, womanizing, enjoyable-to-be-around dumbass.  I couldn’t find room to root against the kid if he was selling crack.
5:28 – Excellent work, Robert.  During the most awkward moment in the entire series, you found room to crack a smile.  I commend you.

5:55 – Hannah: “So, you are on a basketball court, because your next game is NBA Live 09.”  Unless you have money on it, or the loser is supposed to get slammed, sports games are not very interesting to watch.  “Go play basketball if you want to play basketball” holds fairly true (unless it’s NBA Street Volume 2, an absolutely badass video game).  Sports games appeal to the Defense of the Ancients crowd, where memorizing numbers and knowing the controls is ninety percent of the battle.  Fuck DotA.
6:02 – Joel: “NBA Live 09 is the most realistic basketball video game to date.  It’s so realistic, that when it came time to choose sports games for the World Cyber Games, we put NBA2K9 up for voting instead!”

6:24 – Hannah: “Now, for this week’s real-life challenge, you not only have to play like a pro, you gotta look like a one, too.”
6:42 – Eh, beats some of the things that the Europeans wear.
6:55 – Jamal, you are a modern-day Greg Ostertag, in that you are the reason the Utah Jazz lost the NBA Finals two years in a row.

7:26 – Hannah: “Today you will be put to the test in a dunking contest.”
7:37 – Hannah: “Excited, Swoozie?”
Swoozie: “A little bit, yeah.”
(You already made your own “black guy” joke, so I don’t need to do it, right?)

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